Updates and new cycle and new ..everything

So as you can tell from the title of this blog, things haven't been great.

August 28th we had a negative beta. Negative negative negative.

As in...beta of 2. Progesterone was great though, it was 190.

We stopped meds and a period came August 31st.

Started estrogen again on September 1st.

Ultrasound September 17th, it went well. Really well. Lining at 10.

September 19th I had some spotting, then it picked up and then it turned into real bleeding. We had an ultrasound done on September 20th, the radiologist here said everything still looked fine, lining at 9.5mm.

The clinic still cancelled the transfer. I stopped meds.

Period started September 25th.

Started estrogen again September 26th.

Started PIO October 12th.

Transfer is booked October 16th at 1030am.

I think that's it for now. :) I got a heating pad for this cycle too, enough was enough! I was SO SO SO SO SO SO SO sore, not able to sleep through the pain even! I would roll over at night and it would feel like a giant pulled muscle. Just a fricken nightmare!!

I'm still trying to figure everything out for shots for when I go to Toronto, there's five hours in the morning where I am flying. The wait between flights is just enough time to get me from one port to the next. I may ask the clinic to take suppositories that day. Other than that, that's the only time I can't take my shots on time. I don't care if I have to do five suppositories, they're easier to explain while flying than a needle!

Speaking of shots, it's that time again, so I'll see you all later!

BETA TODAY!

So that may have been misleading.

I don't have my beta results BACK yet, but it's later on today.

I was getting very very very faint positives on my FRER tests, and then negatives.

And Negative again.

Well, I guess it's negative and I had my first chemical.

Or my stupid FRER tests are annoying and they were giving me evap lines early.

I cried for three days.

I took my last test before beta yesterday, as a farewell to the cycle. 

However.

This is the test.

Sooo. That being said.

I'm no longer dreading my beta test today!

I will update when I update :)

Gloomy While Testing

I hate the 2 weeks wait.

Hate is a strong word.

I strongly dislike the 2 week wait.

...Nope...I hate it.

I tested every day since 3 days past the 3 day transfer. Every day. All day.

Negative.

Negative.

7 days past a 3 day transfer, first morning urine, negative.

I gave up. I couldn't do another negative.

I felt the urge to test at supper time 7dp3dt, and there was a very very faint second line. This morning, darker line.

I get digis tomorrow, but it looks like I'M PREGNANT!!

My IF's are going to be daddies!!

Transfer!

Okay, so it's been just over four days now since we had our transfer.

I know I'm late with this update!

I got up at 430am on August 13th soo sleepy. I got to the airport for 530 and got in line to get xrayed and everything else. It was SO embarrassing to explain why I had baby bum cream (thanks a lot suppositories! You SUCK!). I got onto the plane, I was half asleep. I know this because it's all pretty foggy still haha.

I got to Montreal, switched planes, still half asleep.

I got to Toronto.

My IF's were waiting at door C. I went to door C. They were NOT there. I texted them. They said they were at door C, and one of them was actually waiting just outside the door. We played this game for twenty minutes, and then finally, I asked for help.

Well.

Found the problem.

We were BOTH at door C.

They were at DEPARTURE...I was at ARRIVAL. Leave it to me!

We went right to the clinic. I was so nervous.

We got there, and we were called in almost right away.

I was told to put on two paper gowns, one on the front, and one on the back. Okiedokie.

I got locker number 7. Lucky 7. Surely this is a sign?

Then I was told to go and sit down for acupuncture. First thought : this is going to be relaxing. She started to put little tiny needles into my body, and it wasn't too bad.

I didn't feel this way all the way through, in fact, I could NOT wait for it to be over. It hurt. So much.

It was over, and done with and I was finally going to transfer. Thank goodness.

I laid down. It was a normal chair, reminded me of a dentists' chair, I was told to put my bum almost on the edge, so I did so. There I waited, with my two VERY nervous IF's for 10 hours.

Okay, it wasn't 10 hours.

It just felt like it.

It was probably 15 minutes.

Then the Dr came in, with the embryologist and a nurse. The nurse awkwardly put my legs up in the holders and told me to scoot down some more. Surely I couldn't scoot down any more. I could and did.  They gave us a picture of our embryos, they are such beautiful...balls.

They are a 9 cell and 8 cell 3 day embryos. Very very good quality. 

I also got a picture from while they were putting the embryos in, you can't see the embryos per say since they are soo small, but the embryos are in between the air bubbles :)

So the claw looking thing is what was used to put the embryos in, and between my finger and thumb is where the embryos are! 

After the transfer, I barely wanted to walk in fear that I would be moving too much. 

I didn't realize that I would have acupuncture afterward again. I dreaded it and it felt like she hit every single vein she could. By the end of it I just wanted to tell her not to touch me. I have bruises all up and down both legs and arms as if I was beaten from those tiny needles. NEVER AGAIN. I am all for trying whatever I can to make this transfer work, but I have officially decided that acupuncture is NOT for me. 

I've  also started to test of course, and this morning I seen what I thought was a shadow of a positive, but I'm still waiting until they're clearly positive to get excited. 

                                                                 4DP3DT *4 Days Past 3 Day Transfer*

Now it's just to keep testing, or to wait, whichever I can talk myself into doing haha. I may not test tomorrow and wait to test until Monday just so that I don't have to deal with another negative though, they're hard to take, and really, now would be quite early to be getting a test. I only have four good tests left so I also don't want to waste them!

I still have about 170 cheapy tests that I got for 18 cents each, so I'm doing those pretty well every time I go pee now, I may just keep up with those until I ssee a positive or until I hit 7DPT (in another 3.75 days). It's so hard to decide. I may just end up going to get more tests haha.

The Blue/Pink/Blue/Orange Pills

Okay.

My goodness.

I have enough meds in my body to sustain a pharmacy.

My current daily med routine :

Wake up at 6am to my alarm clock. Med time.
-PregVit *pink, morning pill
-1ml Progesterone in Sesame Seed Oil *my bum is a great pin cushion...not
-2mg Estrace
-Aspirin 81mg chewable *but I prefer not to chew it...it tastes like McDonald's juice...ick
-Antibiotic
-Vaginal Suppository 200mg Progesterone

Go back to bed for an hour because my PregVit has me SO nauseous that I usually have a bucket beside the bed, even just the little bit of water that I have with the pills feels like it's going to come back up.

12pm (noon)
-Vaginal Suppository 200mg Progesterone

9pm/Bedtime (sometimes a bit later)
-PregVit *blue, evening pill
-2mg Estrace
-Antibiotic
-Vaginal Suppository 200mg Progesterone

Sleep.  Sweet sweet sleep.

Most of my day is used to remember my meds for noon and then no more night snacks at all because my blue PregVit has to be taken at least 2 hours after anything is eaten. So pretty much, I can't eat after 7pm, which is NOT my norm, I usually snack until 9pm and wait a half hour and then go to bed.

My first shot didn't hurt too much. It only started to ache that night. I thought okay, this isn't too bad. Same thing with my second shot (opposite side). After the second shot that I had though,I started to have a raised rash on my lower back, just a few dots. It isn't too bad. The third shot killed me a bit, it was really sore all day today.

I did the third shot while standing up AND I forgot to warm it up a bit too. It could have been either, I also didn't put a hot compress on it like I normally do afterward. Most of the pants I wear hurt, so I'm in my maternity clothes to avoid having anything up against my upper bum area.

The raised rash is normal, and there's not much I can do for it, if it gets really bad (full body) then we could try something, but really there's not much point. So unless it gets really bad, I'm going to suck it up. It is all worth it, I knew going into this that I would be a pin cushion for at least 10 weeks. I have 3 days down, about 61 to go still. Give or take of course.

I have found that the viles of progesterone probably won't last that long, I wonder how long each one will last me, but I am still on the first one, and it's been 3 days and it was pretty easy, so we'll see tomorrow how much is left. It says there is 11ml in each vile, but I also lose a bit every time from making sure I get all the air bubbles out. Hopefully each vile will do me about 10 days, that would be great.

The vaginal suppositories are a bit of a nightmare. They're not as messy as I thought they would be, but I think it's bringing on a yeast infection, but I've also been told that it's normal to think it's a yeast infection when in fact it's just a normal reaction and there's nothing I can do for the itching/burning. That sucks. So much. lol

My youngest child turned 1 year old today, I wanted to wait a year to transfer, I have officially done that. I have finally taken a full year to heal and recover and now I am ready to move on to another pregnancy and baby, maybe babIES! I have my transfer shirt ready to go, and I'll pack a bit tonight, I'm not sure what I'll do in the hotel for two days, but I'm sure I'll take time to sleep a lot haha.

6 Days To Estrace

Yes.

I know.

I haven't updated in a long time. I promise that there is a valid reason though!

Okay. There's not.

Surrogacy is a LOT of hurry up and wait. So, I hurried up, I took my Lupron shot July 7th, and now is the "wait" part.

Wait for what you may ask? Wait for a period? Nope. My period no longer matters. I wait until I am supposed to start estrace, and then the show really begins.

I started my period though, July 19th. Like I stated earlier though, it has no bearing now on anything, it's there, it's great, and that's it. I still hate my period and didn't care if it started or not, some women get their periods within a couple days of Lupron, some don't. We're all different and the lupron shot has definitely given me some pretty darn great symptoms.

Bloating.

Headaches (not often though).

Exhaustion.

Insomnia (great combination with the symptom above...ironic huh?).

Moodiness.

Hot flashes.

Those are the ones I notice every single day. The headaches are off and on a lot, some days it'll only last for 10-30 minutes, some days I'm dealing with the headache for hours. Sleep usually helps, but not always.

I had a one time shot, and it will be in my system for 4 full weeks. Menopause SUCKS. I can now sympathize with women who are going through it, even though I am only 22. It isn't nice. Hug your mothers and grandmothers and aunts...they deserve it, bring them some cake too...they'll want some.


Next is Estrace, which I start in 6 days from now. I will be taking them in 2mg dosages, at first, it'll be 2 pills in the morning and 2 pills at night. I take them like this until I go for my ultrasound August 7th (bright and early...730am...eek!).

Protocol changes August 9th if everything is going well with my lining and it's thick enough (which, let's hope it is and so that we don't have to start over or put anything off!). I will then drop to one estrace pill per day in the morning and one at night, and then start my progesterone vaginal suppositories (one in the morning, one at noon and one in the evening) and my progesterone in sesame seed oil once in the mornings.

I will have 7 days of antibiotics for around transfer to ensure that I don't get an infection.

(Minus the antibiotics) - This will be my daily routine for every single day until I am released from the clinic's care and when I start to see my normal OB. Sounds like fun right?!

That is the hurry up and wait :)

LUPRON!! EEEEK!

Yeah!

That's right!

I did it.

Yesterday.

And I forgot to update here.

My bad.

Forgive me?

Yeah?

Good.

I love you all still as well.

So, the reason that I forgot to update here is simple...it barely even hurt and then my day continued as normal. It was a HUGE needle...but it went in really fast, injected within 2 seconds and then it was out and stored properly.

That was it!

20 days until I start the IVF meds!! EEK!

I'm also going on a getaway. teehee. 2 weeks in PEI, and then 10 days after I get home I'm off for transfer!

I'm getting excited!

3 Day To Lupron!

Is it time to be nervous yet?

It is officially the 4th of July, which means there is technically only 3 days until I am supposed to take my Lupron injection!

For my many American (USA) friends, happy 4th of July!!

I relooked at my Lupron injection today, and I cringed. This is what I chose to do though, and I even if it isn't easy, I knew I wasn't signing up for "easy".

"Easy" doens't seem to EVER be what I sign up for...I have to reconsider my decision making skills.

Anyone want to take the Lupron shot FOR me? No? Anyone? What if I pay you? Not even then? That bad huh?

It's becoming more and more real that I will finally get a normal surrogacy journey (NOT to say that any journey is normal or typical or remotely ordinary, surrogacy is amazing and beautiful and...absolutely extraordinary!).

I'm getting super excited! It's crazy that now it's literally just under 6 weeks away to transfer! I remember when it was six MONTHS away! How crazy has the last year been?!

Answer : very.

It keeps me on my toes though.

I'll try to upload a video of my Lupron injection on Sunday, I make no promises though!

Happy Thursday, and I hope that all of my fellow surrogates are wishing me all sorts of good injection vibes and let's hope I don't have a reaction to the shot and I'm  hoping I'm not a complete baby about it (says the woman who has pushed 5 babies out of her vagina...figures).

CD7...And The End To Evil Provera

I survived to CD7, but just barely.

Provera...is still evil.

Oh yes it is.

CD7...and I am STILL bleeding. Not spotting. Bleeding.

CD2 and CD3 I was actually concerned for my health.  If it had gone on for one more day, I was going in to see the ER Dr. 

CD4 was like a normal "really heavy" period day. 

CD5 was a "heavy" period day.

CD6 seemed like a "normal" period day. CD6 I figured I'd just continue bleeding...forever.

CD7 is like the first day of a period, it's there, and there's flow, but it's not as life threatening as someone turning on the kitchen tap all the way and hoping for the best.  

I'm taking two prenatal vitamins per day to try to keep up since I feel like I'm a lemon being squeezed dry. I don't know if it's low iron or something, but I also have some insomnia since CD4. It's driving me nuts. It's 1am and I'm wired awake! And I was passing out all afternoon. 

Either way...I hope CD8 is better than CD7 and that this period actually DOES eventually end. ...Not that it actually seems as though that's possible right now. Most women who have had children know what after birth bleeding is like...you never think it'll actually stop and you don't actually remember a time when you weren't bleeding every day. That's how I feel. 

Positive note (depending on how you look at it..), two weeks until my Lupron shot. I'm excited...and extremely nervous. That is one biiiig needle. Just saying. 

The count down truly begins now.

14 days to Lupron. 

I do feel good about it though, I'm supposedly "lucky", I only have to take it once, some surrogates have to take it daily, but the needle is tiny. 

Lucky women with their tiny needles. 

Surrogacy : the only time a woman will brag about being stuck with something small.

Provera

Provera.

Let me explain what it is first and then we'll continue.

Provera is a form of progesterone. Taking Provera simulates the end of the menstrual cycle, after ovulation when progesterone is normally high. The withdrawal of progesterone (once you stop the medication) is what causes your period to start.

 

Provera is available in 2.5, 5.0 and 10 milligram tablets. Many practitioners will prescribe 5mg or 10mg each day to induce a withdrawal bleed.

 

You will get your period within two weeks of finishing the medication, although many women do get their periods while still taking Provera.

 

Side Effects:

• Change in menstrual bleeding or flow
• Acne
• Headache
• Fatigue
• Breast tenderness

 

I just finished Day 5 of my 7 day Provera prescription.

 

I have had the acne, fatigue and breast tenderness. I've been hormonal, but I think that that's mostly due to the fatigue if I'm honest.

 

They are tiny tiny pills, like anti nausea pills. No taste, no odor. I've been taking them between 9 and 10am every day (I'm usually pretty good at taking them right at 915, but I've taken them as late as 945, not a big deal, they're just once per day, it doesn't say that they have to be taken at the same time each day).

 

Today shortly after I took my 5th pill, I thought I peed myself a bit (I've always had a lot of pride when it comes to bladder control...but hey...5 babies in 3 years can really do a number on your whole area down there!). Went to go to the bathroom, and there is was! Aunty Flow!

 

Which is great, I'm officially CD1 and this is my Lupron cycle!

 

You all know I love countdowns, so 20 more days until my Lupron shot.

 

That, my dears, is a 23 gauge intramuscular needle. That's right...it's going to be a pain in the butt!

I am going to be emailing the guys today as well to let them know that my period has started so that the procol has been put into motion. Now that I have started my period, the clinic can send me a full new protocol and I'll have a transfer date in place. Yay!

I think it'll be August 16th-ish. It also means that I'll be home for Evan's birthday party, which was worrying me with the transfer being bumped ahead!

I hope that everyone had a wonderful Father's Day weekend! I will update again when I get my med/transfer protocol and dates! I've started to get super duper revved up for my needles and other meds, and am going to start organizing them in pill cases with times writing on each little box instead of days of the weeks.

Yay for Periods so that we know when we can expect things to happen though!

Let's be honest... as glad as I am that I started my period...I fricken hate it and want junk food and take out...NOW!

Insstead I'll go do some crunches and so when I DO finally go for transfer, Dr D will say "I think we have the wrong file...it says here that you've had children already?".

MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Happy Monday everyone!

Toronto...Screening...The Subway...AF...Meds!

Well...where to begin?!

Oh right. I'm  sorry that it's taken me sooo long to finally update! You know you still like me :D

I left super duper early on the morning of the 27th (was it 2am? ...No...it was 5am...but it felt the same to me!). Leaving was NOT easy, but I had no idea how hard it would be to sleep away from home until that night, but we'll get there!

I arrived at the Montreal Trudeau Airport, went to the first desk I seen, and she said I had to go to gate 49. Great, this should be fun. Actually, it was amazingly easy, I love the Montreal airport, you just follow your gate number directions that are everywhere and you're good. Took me no time! I got to my gate and had 45 minutes to spare. Just waited.

I got onto the plane to Montreal to Toronto, and when I landed in Toronto...I found that it was NOT as easy as the Montreal airport...it took me almost a half hour to find out where to get my luggage and then it took me another 20 minutes to find my way out! I'm not a fan of the Toronto airport, for the record.

I found my IF who was waiting outside, he was waving me down, poor guy probably thought I looked so silly looking around frantically!

Directly from the airport we went to the Zoo.

It was beautiful! I have SO many pictures and I promise to upload more! We spent six (6!) hours walking around and seeing ALL of the animals! The elephants and lions were probably my favorite. They were gorgeous. It was so hot, I got a bit burnt but it wasn't too bad.

After that I checked into the hotel, and I took an EXTREMELY fast shower and got redressed for supper. We went out to a Bistro, it's one of my IF's favorite places to go, I felt honored to be taken there. The food was so good. 

Then I walked back to the hotel (mini heart attack on the fact that I had to walk back alone! lol). I brushed my teeth etc, and then my friend Meital texted me! She is in downtown Toronto, and she wanted to meet. We have been talking for months, and I was so excited to meet her in person! We went to her house first, and I met her adorable daughter Emily (omg she's adorable!) and she showed me her house (which is beautiful) and I met her husband Jon (who was a sweety and watched Emily when we went out). We went to this cute place where they served coffee deserts. I had this white chocolate thing...so good. 

Then I went back to the hotel, it was past midnight I'm sure. I was EXHAUSTED by that point! 

I had to take the subway for the first time in my entire life the morning after. I still have some tokens left over for the next time I go. Meital (she is a sweetheart) drove to the hotel to meet me so that I wouldn't have to take it alone since I had a lot of anxiety about it. From the Carlton stop, I went North two spots, and then got off, and transferred to go East on Bloor...WAYYYY East, to the second last stop. It was kind of cool!

I got to the clinic at 9am (perfect timing, thank you Subway!). When I got there, I first spoke to the social worker again to update her on everythign that has been going on. It was a nice chat, and she went over the details of the surrogacy again to make sure that I understood everything. Everything went well there (yay not crazy!).

Then I had some blood and urine stolen (okay...I gave it over willingly...but it sounded better to say it was stolen). 

I was never in the waiting room long! I spoke to the life insurance broker after that to make sure that if anything happened to me, my children would be taken care of financially. She was really good at explaining everything to me, it went by quick, but we spoke for nearly an hour. After that, I went back to the waiting room.

Then a fellow surrogate showed up! Amanda has been a surrogate multiple times, and is an amazing person. She's a single mom, I have no idea where she finds the energy, she really is amazing. We went into a room and chatted for a bit about everything that's been going on, and then Joanne showed up (she's the consultant who is helping me along this journey!). Also amazing, and I gave her my receipts that I've been watching and cataloging, so many hours of organizing my receipts and I was so proud to hand them over!

Then back out to the waiting room. Then I got to go see the Dr and meet him! I was so excited! First I had an ultrasound, everything looked great! I then had a physical, pap test, and then they filled my uterus and fallopian tubes with saline to make sure everything was good to go in there too. It was! I was so happy!

The Dr asked when I wanted to start, I said NOW! He got my meds in order (I'll make another post with all the meds) and we got all the meds! It had seemed like forever, but it was 3pm by then, we had missed lunch so we went out to Swiss Chalet for lunch. Mmmm.

Then, once again, I went back to the hotel, which I had honestly not spent much time in, I felt as though it was a pit stop place. 

I packed my stuff up, and I started to get ready to go back to Meital's for supper. She had her husband bbq'ing out in the POURING rain! It was just POURING! It was nuts! She had some of her close friends from work come over, there was hot dogs, home made hamburgers, fries, veggies...so much food! It was a really nice meet and greet, and I felt really special to have met her close friends. Everyone left, and we calmed down for the evening. I had some laundry to do, so she, being a sweety, offered to let me use her washer/dryer. It's something I take for granted here at home, I hate having dirty laundry!

We went to bed a reasonable hour, I never put my phone down once, I missed home so much.

The next morning, I woke up and Meital had let me sleep in through our mani and pedi appointment. She figured I had three kids and never got to sleep in. I woke up, she had already made me breakfast (did I mention how fricken sweet she is?) so I ate and then we got my stuff ready and we went and got our nails done! I had never had them done before but it was so nice and I felt so good afterward! We wanted to do a lot of stuff downtown, but there just wasn't time. Instead we went for a drive and she brought me to this amazing restaurant, and then we went to the airport.

Don't even get me started on how fricken confusing it was in the Toronto airport to figure out where to go, how to check my bags...even the staff weren't helpful, they just kept pointing me to screens (which I could barely even READ!) and I was so afraid I'd miss my flights! I finally got to the right places, we loaded onto the plane, and there was a small delay due to thunderstorms.

The flight was only about an hour and twenty minutes. The problem was...because of the weather, we couldn't land and we spent about an extra half hour in the sky. When we landed in Montreal, I had literally 23 minutes to make it to my gate. The good news : it was the Montreal airport...and it was so easy! haha. It took me I think 14 minutes or something to get to the right gate after stopping to ask which gate to get to! They're great in Montreal! 

After all the rushing, I was told there was at least a 45 minute delay (thanks mother nature!) and I had NOTHING to worry about. I could have gone and gotten a coffee and some little gifts for the kids or something...had I known. But I didn't. We finally boarded, and then we were stuck ont he ground for another half hour about. Everyone was so hot and it was muggy and the door had to stay open and the whole floor had water all over it from the raining. It was a mess! We finally did take off though, I was so incredibly happy to be on my way home. 

I got home, about an hour late on the night of the 29th, and was so so so so so so happy to be in the arms of my loved ones, I thought of nothing else the whole time I was gone. I just wanted to be home, in my bed. It was so hard for me to be away, but it WAS a nice break from the kids, even though the trip was SO hectic! 

Now...AF. I'm 12 days late! The one time I want it to show up...it doesn't! How bad is my luck?! 

The clinic prescribed Provera, I went to do my groceries tonight and was supposed to pick it up and guess who forgot to get it?!?! ME! I will pick it up tomorrow and I will post pictures of my meds as well and give a basic time schedule for when I take what meds! 

For now, I have to admit love has knocked on my door step. This is my surrogacy blog, and those who are very close to me know what's going on, but I'll update when there's more to update on that front. It's a big part of my life, but I don't have permission to talk about it, no one has to worry about me getting my divorce finalized and getting married though before I start getting questions lol. 

I'm happy that things are moving in this surrogacy, CD21 of this cycle means my crazy big Lupron shot!

Sorry for taking so long! I'll update super soon with pictures of my meds and a rough med schedule!

CD1

I leave the airport in about 17h15m. ...Holy crap!

I had a surprise today, my cycle started today a couple days early! I've been told some clinics want you to do your final screening and blood work on CD2, guess what day I'll be on when I do my screening? CD2.5...close enough?

I think so!

I'm hoping that it also means that it'll speed the process up a little bit, I'm so excited to start this journey! It seems like it's been forever in the process! I've really been waiting nearly 2 years for this journey to start. It always surprises me that it's been so long, at the time it felt like forever away, and now I'm leaving in the morning!

That being said..I still need to pack and stuff! So I better get on it huh?

55 Hours And 32 Minutes!

Well folks, the count down is on!

Yes...I have been away from my blog for faaaarr too long. Forgive me?

With surrogacy, as I've warned you, there is a hurry up and wait rule. That is...you finally get something to do, you rush to get it all done so that things can go quickly and smoothly...and then you wait forever for the next thing to happen.

The hurry up and wait...is about to get worse.

HOWEVER.

On May 27th, at 6am, my flight shall be leaving Bathurst, and at 6:51am I shall be landing in Montreal to get my connection flight to Toronto. At 9:22am I should land in Toronto, where my journey should really actually begin.

I'll check in at the hotel, then I will venture around downtown Toronto. Then it's ZOO TIME! The pandas have been in Toronto since May 15th (from another country hehe) and they are staying in Toronto for 4 years, and then they will be going to Calgary for 4 years after that. They are the only pandas in Canada, so I'm really excited to go see them!

I will make sure to take lots and lots of pictures while I'm there, and I'll try to blog every day that I'm there.

For now, I have to start packing, and hopefully I'll be done by the time the weekend is over! Monday morning comes quickly!

3 Weeks To Go!

Can you believe it? Can it be true? There's only 21 days until I am in Toronto, really, since it's late, almost down to 20 days! EEEEKKK!!


So, you may ask, what's been going on? Why haven't I been blogging like I usually do?

You see, the truth of the matter is that...there really wasn't much I could update you all on. It was just me waiting...and waiting. I do have a small update though, besides the countdown to Toronto, which is huge to me and for those of you on my facebook, you know that there is a daily countdown.

Today, I got an email from the clinic, and they sent me all four pages (I'll clarify...yes...FOUR (4) pages) of BLOOD WORK that they'll want completed while I'm there. Hopefully there will be enough left to me when I leave. Everything you can possibly imagine is being pulled from my arm that day! I haven't even gotten into the other tests and screening that I'll be doing that day!

I knew that there would be a lot of blood work...4 pages though? WOW! I'll be sure to make sure I drink LOTS of water before going, and to bring some with me. Make sure I have a nice big breakfast too!

The weather has been BEAUTIFUL here, and we've been spending a LOT of time outside lately, it's been really relaxing, I'm glad we got to enjoy the warm weather because it'll be dropping 10-15 degrees for the next few weeks again. I hope that it warms up anyway and that I won't have to freeze when I go to Toronto!


Evan took his first steps on his own last week, that's so exciting to me! The downside though, is that I may have to wean him soon, I don't like how he's learned how to walk over to me, pull my shirt down, and start nursing. I thought it was pretty cute the first time, but then I realized that if he continues to do that, I'll be caught in public while he exposes me! He's not nursing much anymore to be honest, just before his naps and before bed pretty much, it shouldn't be hard to wean him. He's going to be 9 months old in 5 days (where does the time go?!?!), so he'll be started on cow's milk. I'm a bit sad to end our breastfeeding journey, but it also means I will be starting my next surrogacy journey, so it's a give/take scenario.


On the topic of the separation, everyone keeps asking me if I'm okay, I really am! I'm so so so so happy. I keep asking myself, are you REALLY okay? Is this a show? But...it isn't, I'm actually really happy. I don't think I've ever been this happy, even the kids are starting to come around and they seem happy now that mommy is happier. They really do pick up on everything!


As usual, thanks for checking in. I'll keep you all updated on when I get more information from the clinic! I have my appointment schedule, I'm still waiting for my travel itinerary, and when I do get it (it's already been booked) I will let you all know!

xox

A Few Things Today

Last night I received my itinerary for the trip! Everything is booked, and now I just have to wait...but...you know how long to wait?

Only 1M2D left! CRAZY!

I've gone a bit OCD about it all, I have my wardrobe for the trip decided, now I'm choosing what shoes to bring!

I also have other big news.

I'm on CD3! My cycle has FINALLY returned, 8.5 months post partum. I am OFFICIALLY in the cycling process now! I need at least 2 normal cycles before I can start medication. Everyone ready for those huge needles? I'm not! haha

I'm not sure when an estimated transfer date will be giving, or even start of meds date. I guess we'll have to wait and see after the screening is all done.

We are also going over the contract, I had like 2 pages of foods that were prohibited/restricted...I almost cried, and then decided that it was crazy and I couldn't be restricted like that as long as I'm following my Dr's orders. It said NO pop at all. What happened to most things in moderation? Sheesh. My IP's have obviously never been pregnant, so it's all new to them, so we're just finding what makes everyone comfortable (and fed lol).

I spoke to them again over the weekend, I did miss their first call though, which I did feel bad for, but they called an hour later. Not a huge deal.


I guess I have something serious to talk about today though. I wasn't sure how to blog this, as it's not really something I would blog about.

I asked Josh for a divorce about 4 weeks ago.

It wont' be effecting the surrogacy because we are both going to still sign the contract, as he is still legally my husband, and will be at the signing of the contract. This is important because because we're married, he could claim the baby/babies are his, causing for a huge problem. Of course, he would never do that, but I also want my IF's to feel comfortable with it, and let's be honest, this is a huge deal.

We were together over 7 years, and it's no secret to the people close to us, and now to many others, that he had affairs in the past, that I can't get over. I thought I could, and after therapy, time, a lot of tears, and feeling as though I've failed as a wife, I've come to the conclusion that life is just too short to be hurting every day, and everyone deserves to be happy.

He is still living here, as he's going to be starting his college course...in literally 4 days...and it benefits everyone right now for him to stay here. We haven't really sat down with the kids and spoke about it a WHOLE lot yet, but they know that mommy and daddy will no longer share a room, we won't be kissing or cuddling anymore. They haven't asked "why" yet, as they're only 2 and 4...but when that day comes I'm hoping it won't be something that scars them for life and ruins any chance of them having healthy, normal relationships later haha.

I still have a wonderful support system. I still have financial security. I still feel great about doing this surrogacy. We're not fighting about anything, which is a huge thing. I'm hoping it'll be quick, but know you can't go back and delete over 7 years of your life with someone, you can only start a new page in the book. So, for now, that's what I'm doing!

Life is just too short...and we all deserve to wake up happy, and go to bed with no regrets.

Here's to having no regrets!

Question Period

So, I was asked a few questions, and I personally don't like being asking for facts of surrogacy, because facts are different everywhere, every clinic and Dr and couple and surrogate are different. This blog is from my point of view, and I don't mind sharing opinions. We are all entitled to an opinion, and I think it's important to at least have an opinion. 

It's fine if you disagree with my opinion, I can respect that you also have one, and I appreciate that you do, it means that you've look into it, and know where you stand which is very important. Please don't bash me for my opinion, and I won't bash you for yours. 

Q: How do you choose a family?

A: I choose a couple/person who want the same out of the surrogacy, during and afterward. What kind of relationship do they want? Do they have embryos already? How many babies are they willing to have? At hat point do they want to terminate/reduce? Do they want to be part of the pregnancy? Birth? What role would they like me to have after the surrogacy is over? Do we have a connection? These are all things that have to be either agreed on, or we have to be able to compromise to make everyone happy!

Q: If you became pregnant with their baby and it was multiples and they wanted you to abort some, how would u feel about that?

A: Before you get to transfer, or even start IVF medication, all of this is discussed. It's really part of the "matching" process. Therefore, you don't get there and have to make a decision that is best for everyone. I am personally willing to carry up to 2 babies. I'm not comfortable with more than that at this point. It also means I'm not willing to put more than that amount of embryos in (both could take and one could split, resulting in triplets, but I'll explain what would happen then too). If a last minute decision were to happen, where the Dr felt comfortable putting in 3 embryos (rare here in Canada), and all three took, then I would reduce to 2. I don't feel comfortable with reducing 2 embryos to 1. I only feel comfortable reducing 3 to 2 because of the long term health of the babies, and me. 

Q: Is is a long process?

A: The process CAN be long. You need to be screened, mentally, physically and internally to make sure that you are in good health all around and are prepared to take this journey. They run blood work, do ultrasounds on our reproductive organs, make sure we speak to a social worker about the process and make sure that everyone is on the same page. These are VERY important, none of this should be under-minded. There is also a contract, and everyone has to agree on everything in it. Everything to do with the surrogacy, from start of meds to 6 weeks post birth will be included, every scenario accounted for. This usually takes 4-9 months, and does not include finding the right match, that could take 1 day to 2-3 years depending on what you are looking for, and what you are comfortable compromising on. 


Q: How will u explain the new pregnancy to ur kids? Will they meet the new baby?

A: My eldest (Lexi, age 4.5) understands that the twins I had were not ours "for keepsies", and the way I explained it was that their mommy's belly is broken, so we grew their babies in my belly instead. It's easier this time, we'll be telling her and Gabey (soon to be 3) that the guys don't have girl parts to grow a baby in, so mommy is going to help them by using my girl parts to make their baby/babies. Children accept these things so quickly and easily, they are taught what is normal, what is acceptable. I want them to know that we should all help others, even if ti's not in all the same ways, to the best of our ability with minimal in return. 

Q: If u got preg with 2 babies but they only wanted 1, would u carry on with the pregnancy and find another family to take the other baby, or u abort one?

A: That goes hand in hand with what I said earlier, I wouldn't decide to work with a couple who would want to reduce 2 to 1 simply because there were "too many" babies. Many sets of twins are born very healthy, and lead normal lives with no birth defects or abnormalities long term due to being a bit premature. Triplets can be born quite premature in many cases and have long term health problems, and in some situations, babies can die. That is the difference for me, after already having had one twin pregnancy.

Q: How did your husband react when you told him that you wanted to do this?

A: He actually thought I was kidding, and he probably thought I was crazy. It honestly took him awhile to come around to the idea, and wasn't comfortable with it. It took a lot of compromise, and he had to meet the couple and only then was he okay with it, and even then, he was a bit uneasy about it. This time around, he understands what it will entail and is on board 100%.

As always folks, if you have questions, please leave them in the comment area, and I will answer them the next blog either before or after the update. 

1 Month and 2 Weeks until i'm in Toronto!

7 Weeks To Go!

I'm not excited at all to go to Toronto. Yeah...that's a humongous hairy lie. I can't wait! I mean...I will...because I have no choice...but EEK!

The final prep is under way. Yes...final prep. Okay, not all of the prep is being done NOW. But the big things, flights, cabs, hotels, appointments. They are all being booked in advance...SOON. How crazy is that?!

I have now been speaking to my IF's for 9w5d. There is exactly 7 weeks, 1 hour and 43 minutes until my appointment at the clinic.

Have I mentioned that I'm excited?

I think that it just hit me.

I also just watched a video of someone giving themselves a PIO (progesterone in oil) shot...and I thought to myself...I am definitely going to need to reward myself with a cookie every day. It took her about an hour to inject it all. Okay, more like 10 seconds, but I know it'll seem like an hour. It's super super thick (think of injecting...vegetable oil into your bum...close comparison).

So...other things I've done lately that HAVEN'T scared the crap out of me in preparing for this journey include looking for floor plans for the Montreal airport so that I know where I'm going to be going in the time I have there in between flights. Although I love an adventure, I also like to be prepared. Getting to the next gate on time is pretty important to me. I will be going through the SAME airport to get back, by the end of this trip, I'll be completely prepared for when I go for my transfer. Neato!

So...7 weeks. 7 weeks to make sure I am 100% prepared for the entire trip.

I'm always nervous when meeting new people who I haven't known for long. When they meet me at the airport, do I run and jump and hug them? Do I wear a business suit and greet them with a handshake and stern face? I know I know...probably somewhere in between. But WHERE in between?

Hair up...or hair down?

Make up...no make up?

Glasses aren't an option...if I don't wear them...I won't be able to see anything and I will most likely end up walking into the gate on the way out. That would be a great first impression!

I had received some questions, and thought that it would be nice to put some questions and answers into a blog, so my next blog will be questions and answers, most of them are my OPINION and not just run of the mill questions, but many are to do with surrogacy, and I think that it's important that people feel free to ask questions.

I have also noticed lately (and it bothered me) that my grammar has gotten horrible! Being a stay at home mom has ruined my writing skills haha.

Alexandra has a few more weeks of preschool...her graduation is coming up...wow!

Gabriel is going to be 3 in 18 days. We're working slowly (no rush) on potty training. He's definitely not my little baby anymore.

Evan is always changing and learning. Today he let go of my leg while standing to play with a toy...he'll be walking in no time. He's also become quite the screecher. Goodness.

Josh is applying for college courses. Life has really hit our relationship the last few years though.

The house is super messy the last few days. I think I'm fighting off a cold...boo!

I promise to update on those Q&A's :)

Have a wonderful week everyone!

1 Month 26 Days

HAPPY APRIL!!

Yes, it may be April Fool's Day today, but I'm not joking when I say that time is finally starting to move faster, and that in 1 Months and 26 Days, I will be in Toronto!

Lately I have been emailing with my IF's, one of their fish has an infection in his tail and they are treating with antibiotics, it's been about a week now, but he is back to his normal self mostly, and hopefully Felix (real name) will be back to himself in no time!

I have been taking my cocktail of vitamins every single day, and now that the weather is nicer, I have been exercising in attempts of getting my body ready for the medication. April marks 4 months until a possible transfer, which is VERY exciting! 

I am currently watching as very wet snow plummets to the ground in my front yard like meteoroids crashing to the Earth, so April doesn't mean spring yet apparently. My current weight is ...icky. Let's just say I have about 30lbs I'd like to lose before starting birth control pills. With the weather still cold it's hard to do things like going out to bike, but I will be biking really soon! Even if it's in winter boots!

Evan is crawling now and is 7.5 months old. He's also standing up on everything and just learning how to stand up without any help or holding things. Can't believe how big he is. He's still breastfed mostly, but has cheerios every day and will get things out of our plates as well. He has learned how to screech (sorry neighbors!), and is learning to move things with his hands, he's a little charmer for sure! Time is flying.

Gabriel is going to be 3 this month (WOW!)...and mommy is starting to get him potty trained. Lexi was this age when we potty trained her. Having on in diapers when I go to the clinic will make daddy's life 100% easier I'm sure. He is learning colors, and starting to count (he's got up to 4 down now without help), he will be starting preschool soon after the surrogacy is done. He's speaking in complete and complex sentences now, which has made caring for him so much easier on a day to day basis.

Alexandra (Lexi) is almost done preschool, she graduates in June (where the time has gone, I'm not sure). She's learning how to write and read letters and their sounds, she is learning phone numbers (ours, grandmas, etc) and loves to play games where we have to determine colors and shapes. She amazes me every day. She loves to test people's limits, asks questions CONSTANTLY, and is generally curious now. 

Josh is still...Josh haha. He has lost about 20lbs, and is doing great. He started to bike to work more often, and his lymphadema hasn't been as bad lately. I'm betting they're related! He is back on his ADHD medication and it's helping him a lot (he only started it at 19, but was off of it for a year and a half). Cadets is coming to a close for the year, and his ACR (Annual Ceremonial Review) is May 26th (cutting it a bit close?). The cadets look great and I can't wait to go (and not just for the food!).

As for me...I've already covered me! I'm getting ready for my trip to Toronto, so slowly I'm getting stuff ready to pack away. 

I hope that everyone had a great long weekend, and that the Easter Bunny spoiled everyone rotten, but that, overall, the time you spent with family and friends will last you until Mother's Day...which...is truly just around the corner *HINT HINT!*. 

Happy Easter Monday everyone, Happy April Fool's, and I hope that wherever you are today, you're smiling!

Verdict : Not Crazy

So, like I had stated in my last post, I had my skype appointment today with a social worker. I didn't know exactly what the interview would be about, so I went into it a little blind. I knew that it would take about an hour, and that the last half, Josh would be included, so he needed to be home.

To ensure that everything was okay at home, we made sure that Lexi was at preschool for the full day today, so that neither of us would have to drop everything to go get her half way through in case it ran late. Lexi wasn't here..check.

We had put Evan down for a nap...no screaming teething baby...check.

We gave Gabriel what seemed like a hundred little dinky cars, and lots of toys to keep him occupied. Gabriel occupied...check.

Then the wait for the call to go through. My gosh. My clock said it was only 2 minutes...it was OBVIOUSLY more like an eternity. Silly clock!

She introduced herself, her name, her profession, her experience in the field of third party reproduction, how she herself had had two separate surrogates for herself, who brought her two daughters into the world.

We pretty much went through my life. Where I grew up, how old I was, how long Josh and I have been together.

Then we got into deeper things, how is our relationship? Was it easy for us to get pregnant? Was Josh there for me while I was pregnant? How were my pregnancies and labors? Were there complications? What is life like for us? Where do we work? Does our family support our decision to do surrogacy? Do we have family who do not support our decision? How do we approach telling people that we do surrogacy? How do we cope under pressure and stress? What are some hobbies we like? What are our children like?

So many questions. It felt like I was giving my life story, and I had to make sure she knew all of the good parts...a movie that has gone on for 22 years, and I had to give a complete review of every aspect. Every detail. Try not to leave things out that may be important. Try to emphasize how much we want to help other in the process of surrogacy.

Where did we learn about surrogacy?

How did the first surrogacy go? Since it was not a good experience, why are we doing it again? What brought me to surrogacy to begin with?

Every answer was seemingly impossible, trying to word things properly, I didn't want her to come off too serious, but joking could lead to miscommunication, and I didn't want her to think that we didn't take this all seriously, because we do. Afterall, we're not mowing someone's lawn, we're carrying their BABY.

My entire capability of being a surrogate could potentially ride on this one conversation. How do you ensure that you're coming across properly? You can't...you have to hope that your personality comes through and that everything you are saying is something that is valuable. There is so much to take into consideration! The amount of pressure that I felt just in this one hour...is insane! Each question, I looked up at Josh and looked for a smile to see if I answered correctly, and of course, there was probably no real "right" answer. And if there was a right answer, surely he wouldn't know it anyway.

One more check in a box. One step closer to transfer, and one step closer to helping The Dudes become parents.

Am I Crazy?

I'm sorry that there haven't really been much to update on so far. The downside to having so much time to a transfer is that noting really is going on from day to day yet!

HOWEVER, I do have an update.

So, I have to meet up with a social worker when I go to the clinic, and I am also meeting up with the life insurance consultant when I go in May. So, that is all forever away.

Right now, I am setting up a skype meeting with a social worker for Josh and I, I can only assume it is to make sure that we know what to expect etc. She will also make sure that we are mentally stable and are good candidates to be a surrogate family.

It is exciting in a way that something is finally happening.
I have also started to save my receipts for my prepregnancy expenses (prenatal vitamins for example, in preparation for pregnancy). Having a system for my receipts was easy.

We bought a receipt book, not only to STORE those receipts, but I also have to keep track of what category the receipt falls under (medication/food/clothes/transportation/medical), the amount, the date of the purchase, and then the overall total so far. Here in Canada, this is how we are reimbursed, without these receipts, as proof that we are spending the money on pregnancy related expenses, we do not get reimbursed.

Again, we are not paid in Canada to be a surrogate, so it makes for a bit more work on our end.

Can you believe that we're half way through March already? 2 months and 13 days until I am in Toronto! I'm the Queen of countdowns...this should be fun haha.

I haven't started my cycles yet, but I am working on getting the baby to sleep through the night, and once that happens, my cycles will most likely come back. I'm also pumping milk whenever I get the chance so that I can stop breastfeeding at 11 months and he'll still have a month's worth of milk. I'm up to 116oz now, for an 11 month old on juice and regular meals, that'll hopefully last almost 6 days. I'm averaging 20oz of breastmilk per day. I don't know if that'll be enough though, so I'm going to pump like crazy, hopefully get 10-20oz a day (20oz would be very optimistic of course)and have lots by July!

I'll keep a log on here on how much milk I've saved up too!

Have a great day everyone! God Bless!

SHOW ME THE MONEY!

Okay...so not quite.

Now that my screening is booked (70 days left...but who's counting?) at the clinic, so is my social worker for my mental eval...aka...they're going to make sure that I know what surrogacy implies (...let me guess...I get pregnant and then give birth...right?) and that I am mentally prepared for this journey (just in case I thought I was going to be bringing the baby/babies home...).

So, Since there isn't a whole lot to update about for a few weeks...I'd thought I'd let you in on a secret of mine...we started contracts this week :) Since I am with an agency, thsi pretty much consisted of the agency asking me what reimbursement I thought I'd have and how much they thought would cover extra expenses like if there are twins,if I need bedrest, if I need a CSection. In the surrogacy community, we hope for the best, but prepare for the worst, which means there is also a Loss of Reproductive Organs amount.

Some of those things can be daunting, I know, but we have to make sure that everything is covered just in case something happens, every surrogacy comes with risks involved.

So far, that's all we have discussed for the contract but I know that there will be many other things.

I had agreed to the guys (upon asking them how much information I could share, they let me know that they are not comfortable with me including ANY of their info...comment if you have suggestions on nicknames!) that I would welcome them to any appointments.ultrasounds and of course to the birth. That will all go into the contract. There are a lot of things to discuss, but as things are decided, I'll let you all know how we decided certain things.

The amount of money that we are averaging for has to do with how much extra food I will be in taking while pregnant, and since food is more expensive here because of where we live, I had to take that into consideration. We don't have a car right now, so I will be taking cabs to every appointment, and since wait times are long at the OBS Clinic (I've waited four hours once), I need to take into consideration that I will probably be there through a meal time. And of course, I have to think about babysitters. Unfortunately, with baby number 5, I gained a lot of weight for some reason, and I will need new maternity clothes. If I'm on bedrest, I will need someone to come in, and I have three children 4 and under, so someone will have to tidy and cook. These things are not cheap.

Of course, this is a negotiable aspect, give and take on both sides. It's important that everyone is happy with the caps on these things. In Canada we are not "paid" to be a surrogate, this should never be an income for anyone, and this is not a job. If you are relying on surrogacy to pay bills, then you shouldn't be doing it. My husband makes a decent living, and he works hard to support us financially, I am reimbursed for my expenses, and I have to hand over all receipts to prove my expenses. It's important for everyone to know that this isn't a way to make money in Canada, it is a way to help others.

I won't disclose what my caps are as I believe that's a private matter, but surrogates have to make sure they won't be paying out of pocket for expenses, and IP's have to make sure they are not being cheated out of their hard earned money either.

I'm excited to know what the next category is in the contract! I know contracts can take a few months to perfect, so for now, slow and steady is good!


Right now the guys and I are exchanging weekly emails about. We don't have a ton in common, but we are both looking into surrogacy for the same reason, so I hope that we become closer over time. They are also busy people, and I'm sure they don't even notice the time flying by!


As always, feel free to comment if you have questions or things to add!

Have a great week!

In God's Hands

Tragedy is something that happens to others, and it is rarely handed out to us. At least, that is what we tell ourselves, most likely in comfort, but it is something we have to realize can happen at any moment, to anyone, for reasons that we are unaware of.

On Sunday night, I got a phone call from my sister that our cousin was at the hospital and he was not breathing. This was the only information I received, I got out of bed and got dressed very quickly and she met me at the door to go to the hospital. I was terrified, in denial, surely, he's okay and someone in the family over exaggerated the circumstances.

When we arrive at the hospital, we are ushered into the ICU. We are told that they suspect my 18 year old cousin has had a heart attack, they were still working on him and we had no answers...only questions. My aunt was still in shock, and all we could do was wait.

What felt like hours passed by, of course it was only about 15 minutes. Every minute was slow and painful. My cousin is healthy, he's a hockey player...he's played hockey his whole life...he couldnt' weight more than 140lbs and he's over 6 feet tall...how is this possible...what is going on...please let this be a cruel joke. Please tell me I'm not really awake.

The Dr came back in, and he told us he had a pulse. They shocked him 13 to 15 times...but they had a pulse. He seemed to be breathing on his own, we'll be able to see him soon, please remain calm and he'll be back as soon as he can. He looked tired, stressed out, and he was wearing a blue shirt under his white Dr's coat. We could tell that he had just put his white coat on, it was still without wrinkles. The rings around his eyes told us how worried he was, and how unsure he was of my cousin's condition. Shock was starting to wear off, and I wish it hadn't.

We kept asking each other what time it was, how long it had been. Sometimes only 3 minutes had gone by, we tried to fill our minds with positive thoughts, and try to reassure each other that things will be okay.

The Dr came back finally with an update, he wasn't breathing on his own, he was ventilated, and there was internal bleeding. It seemed so bleak...it felt like punishment, why would he come tell us that? Why won't he just make it better? His coat was wrinkled now, the rings around his eyes had deepened...how long had it been...two...three hours? Only 45 minutes.

Finally his parents could go see him. My aunt came out crying, I know what she seen in there, I remember it all too well when the twins needed help, and they were hooked up to machines to watch their heart rate, temperature, brain activity...it's a mother's worst nightmare. She was inconsolable...who wouldn't be...I have no words for her, I held her tight, rubbed her back and kept saying "It will be okay, he will fight through this.".

It was my turn, I went in but it didn't look like my cousin. This is just a bad dream. This isn't happening.

There were no bodily responses to touch, sound or temperature, they were putting him in a coma soon...but I had no idea how less responsive he could possibly get. I was watching one of those shows on TV...if I could just snap out of it. I just had to wake up.

I returned to the waiting room just outside. The automatic doors kept opening and closing. Opening and closing. Each time they would, everyone in the room would jump and look up. The tissues they had were like sand paper.

The Dr asked to speak to the parents, my aunt and uncle. They were sending him via helicopter to a bigger city. There were specialists there who could help. Neither of his parents were going to be able to go in the helicopter, there were too many machines and no room.

They made plans to drive down the same night, a 5 hour trip. We watched the clock again as they prepped him to go, hooked him up to the team's equipment and got his stretcher ready to go. I will never forget all of us in a semi circle, waiting and and watching as they wheeled him out of the hospital through those automatic doors. As soon as the door shut behind them, the room was full of electricity.

I don't even remember getting home, it was so fast. Everyone dispersed and had things to do. I returned home to my husband and children, who were all in bed by then, as it was shortly after 2am.

I had a snack, did some tidying up, and then brought the baby upstairs with me at about 4am. Sleep escaped me until nearly 6am.

When I woke up Monday morning, I had to deal with the fact that it isn't a bad dream. I had to deal with the fact that it is out of our hands right now and that we have to leave it in God's hands, for He alone has plans for us all, and we are unaware of those plans. Putting trust in His plans is not easy right now.

My cousin is now in good hands, he is not out of the woods yet, but they are bringing him out of his coma tomorrow, and they will assess how he responds. His heart is so weak, and no one knows why yet. It feels like with every day that passes, we only have more questions.

This entire ordeal brings me back to why I am a surrogate...life is so incredibly precious. My cousin and I aren't close, but he is the closest thing I have to a brother. Life can be taken from us in an instant, and so many of us don't take every day as a gift, I know I don't. Every day is an opportunity, every day is a GIFT, and right now, every moment that passes is crucial for my cousin, who is oblivious to everything that is happening.

Tragedy happens to others...it happens to those who are unlucky...it doesn't happen to the same family more than once.... These are all things that I believed until Monday morning when I woke up, and realized that it was not a nightmare. Every life is precious. Every day is a chance for miracles. Please hug your babies and loved ones today, call the people you care about but don't always make the time to reach out to. Remember that just because they are here today, does not mean they are there tomorrow.

Please say a prayer today if you are comfortable with that, for my cousin Justin, who had an entire life ahead of him only days ago, and is now fighting for one more day. Please say a prayer to all of those fighting cancer and disease, for one more day. Please say a prayer to those who are hungry, for those who are homeless, for those who know tragedy too well.

Thank you.

Going To The Clinic!

I've only been talking to my IP's for 22 days now, but the ball is moving FAST! I wish in a way that there wasn't so much time left still, we could have totally had this whole process done in no time!

The clinic emailed me this morning, and I will be heading to Toronto, Ontario for my official screening May 28th, the appointment is set for 11am.

I don't know yet if my IF's will be coming, or what the game plan is or when I'll be flying out OR coming back yet! I have some very close friends in Toronto, and I have a wonderful friend of mine who will be flying from Alberta to Ontario to meet up with me, so I may ask that my flights allow for me to be in the city for 2-3 days (and of course, they will only be asked to pay for surrogacy related expenses, such as my meals during the time I would be there for the screening, and one night at the hotel and my flights, nothing will change there). It would give me time to meet all of these wonderful people, but I don't believe in having fun on IP's dime.

I'll also be organizing for my husband to take time off so that he can stay home with the kids, or finding a babysitter while he is working. There is a lot to do still! Flights and hotel will have to be booked, and I will have to learn how to fill out my papers for my expenses!

I can fly right out of town here at least, and then land in Montreal and then take Montreal to Toronto. It really shouldn't take long, but this is going to be my first time flying by myself, and it's been almost a decade since I've flown. I'm nervous, and excited.

I have yet to find out exactly what my screening will consist of, but hopefully I get to spend time with my IF's (The Dudes). I'm looking forward to meeting them in person and hopefully they really feel a click with me! There is still a lot of time, but I hope that everything works out and they still like me when they meet me for the first time in person!

First Call From The Clinic

My IP's got a phone call yesterday from the clinic about my paperwork that I sent in last week.

What happens is that the paperwork arrives and they'll tell IP's if the surrogate they want to move forward with has any red flags. They'll either recommend the surrogate to move forward, or they'll tell the IP's that the surrogate just isn't a good candidate for their clinic.

If I was a good candidate, they would move forward with setting dates for screening.

If I wasn't a good candidate, they would tell the IP's to find another surrogate or go to another clinic...which is really stressful.

Reasons for a clinic to not approve prescreening is being unhealthy, living an unhealthy lifestyle, having poor pregnancy/delivery records etc. All of it is really important.

When the clinic called...they said that I was a great candidate and now we're setting dates for the rest of the screening! They will send a request for blood work to be done right here in town, and the results will be sent in, this was important because my husband also has to do blood work and we didn't want to travel.

I am so so so excited right now! I got the email late last night right before going to bed, and I told a couple people and then promised to update my readers! I'm so so so excited! After the screening is done, we'll be working hard on contracts. So...I can't wait for the screening to be done and I promise to write about all the details!

I hope everyone is having a great week! Things are moving along nicely here!

The Hurry Up And Wait

Much like the military...this has become my motto for surrogacy.

The clinic said we'll do screening in August, and I thought...why so far away? I thought maybe it had something to do with my breastfeeding, but I wanted to clarify. So I asked them :)

they hadn't received my paperwork by Monday, so I reprinted the paperwork and refilled it in, and sent it all off again. I made sure it was guaranteed two days, and it had a tracking number. It arrived on time on Thursday morning (yay!). I emailed them to confirm anyway though, and asked them a few questions. They had in fact received it,and it is a long weekend for them in Ontario, so they will be off Monday as well. This meant that them getting through my paperwork will take long (sigh).

They said that we could for sure do the screening earlier, which I was SUPER happy about. Screening in August meant at the earliest, the transfer would be in October (says the clinic). I'm hoping that maybe we could still get a good September transfer.

With all of this going on, I decided that I would start pumping my milk NOW in case little Evan decided to wean a bit early off of me. I have just over 100oz frozen and maybe I can start meds in August that way. I want him to have a full month's worth of milk though, which i know will be hard. 8oz pumped per day from here to then (about 180 days) should cover it. I don't mind starting meds early, but I only want to transfer at the earliest, about August 15, after the baby is a full year old. My body deserves the rest :)

The guys don't seem rushed at ALL...which is great. October they are happy with. It would mean I'll be due in July though...the hottest month of the summer here. I can just imagine how how I would feel as I was due mid August last year and felt huge haha. Bringing a big, healthy baby into this world is all I care about, but if we could avoid me being due in the most snowy or hottest month of the year...that would be AMAZING.

Other than that, I am still getting to know my IF's, and hope that they still like me. I'm really hoping to get screening dates next week so that my husband can get the time off of work.I'm so ready to start this. Screening has nothing to do with when you are ready to transfer by the way, i didn't know that until this week. I know certain things like blood work expire though, but the clinic can get me to do that here in town, which is GREAT.

So...now I wait....

Don't feel shy to ask me questions in the comment area as we go through this, it'llalso give me something to talk about! haha.

I hope everyone is having a great weekend! Josh is out of town this weekend, so it's just me and my three musketeers! He'll be back early tonight because of the snow storm though, he's only 4 hours away at least. It's weekends like this that remind me how lucky I am that he's not always away, and that I'm not a single mom!