I don' tknow what else to say right now... I've been told I have a lot wrong with me... and I guess I should work on that before I can help others or help others make life changing decisions. Until then... I guess I won't really be around. I'll try to update as I go, but I'm not going to be posting any personal details from now on, or the details of the pregnancy that aren't obvious. This is because maybe I have let too many people in, and maybe I am what I have been told I am.
Of course, it's hard to admit to any scrutiny... we as humans tend to try to be as perfect as possible... knowing thatit is impossible and that we will never obtain perfection. No one likes to think of themselves as less of a person in comparison to a neighbor or friend, but sometimes it's just it's just reality. None of us are perfect, some of us are far from perfect. Those of us who are further from perfection need to try to look in a mirror and look at the person who is staring back... and maybe we all need to think what we can do to change ourselves to be more accepted to others? I'm not doing well with any of this obviously... and I feel a little lost to be honest.
When someone you truly love hurts you... it can feel like a gaping hole in your chest... not your heart... your chest. It forces each tear out of your eyes, and it makes it hard to swallow. It leaves your chest and lungs feeling empty... hollow... makes it hard to breathe even... hard to think... hard to sleep or even eat. You feel like you've been hit... by something must faster and bigger than a freight train. I don't know how else to explain how I feel right now. I haven't spoken much about the raw emotions I've had... relationships can be warm, fuzzy and delightful. They can be cold, hard and tough as well. No relationship [like no person] is perfect and they [and we] all need work and it takes two people to come together and truly put 50% into it. When one side comes up short... it can be overwhelming.
I probaby sound crazy right now... I feel a bit crazy to be honest... I feel very lost... I'm not sure where to turn or where to run... or if I should run... but can't face it either... afraid of another assault... but worse yet... what if it could have been resolved if you faced it? Then you live with that empty feeling again right? It feels so deep... lungs feel heavy, heart feels like dead weight in your chest.
I always believed that there would be a never ending love for me... that we would have children... get married... work together... when that reality doesn't happen, it can be hard. It can be more than hard, it can be.. devastating I guess. I have no idea where I'm going with this... and I won't pretend to. When life gives you nothing... how do you turn around again...to start over? Can we? Can the paths behind us also lead us into a lighter place? Do we want to go back... or move forward? If we go back, are we missing the point? If we go forward, are we missing something that was actually always there... it just had to be looked over?
In a break up... the one left behind always hopes that they are missed... that the other person regrets it... but... that fear that they don't regret it... that they aren't even dwelling... it makes you feel stupid for wanting them back.... I haven't been anywhere but this relationship for what seems like my entire life... it's protected me, kept me sheltered from some of life's hardships. Admittedly... it's also brought some hardships... but I don't think I would take any of them back, and I don't think that I would be happier without them. How do you put that into words though?
I know I started this blog hoping to have it here to educate others about surrogacy, and hopefully, pregnancy. It has now turned into a personal blog... and for those who are disappointed... I'm sorry. I've never felt as lost and alone as I do right now, and I know you're never "alone" when you have children... but I feel alone. Silly isn't it? To have wanted to feel alone for so long... and now that I have it... to feel to empty.
I'm all over the place... but I'm still trying to sort my emotions and thoughts and to figure out what I'm going to do....
For those of you who are close to family... I envy you. For the women out there close to their mothers... I envy you. I have a very hard time with talking to my mother...tough love only goes so far... then it just feel cruel. I have no idea what my daughter will say about me in 20 years... but I hope we are much closer, and that she can call me crying and know that I will comfort her before judging.
Loneliness is not from being alone my friends... it's from not having bonds and not having others to relate to. I'll slowly have to learn that I guess.
How will I go to family functions, being a single mom? What do I tell family at the next holiday when I show up alone? These are all things that I have never had to consider. A brick wall would have been more gentle if it had landed on top of me. How do you sleep with that empty feeling nagging at you...and you not knowing how to fill it? Do you just keep yourself occupied until you forget that the full feeling ever existed?
There are so many questions... and there are never enough answers. How can you loves someone and not say a positive thing about them... I'm not talking about how I feel about someone else. I was told they loved me...but I have not a positive bone to live on... how is that possible....
I am thinking about shutting this blog down.. as it will be pretty boring for a few weeks... just me... doing this.. a lot. I am having a hard time to be positive... although I'm sure that there are many things to be thankful for... my children are in wonderful health and are smart and beautiful.
Hopefully I will find myself... need to find myself. When you've known something for so long... it's so hard to change. Change isn't always great... but it's rarely bad from all views. I could go on and on and rant until I ran out of words and tears... for now they seem endless.
Sorry this one wasn't much fun...I'll try to hold off for awhile.
We were 13.5 weeks today by the way. second trimester hasn't been much better yet... but things have to get better right?
I'm gopng to try to sleep... it's 120am. Gabey has been sleeping since 745pm ish, so should be up any moment looking for a cheerful mommy with a bottle waiting.
Good night everyone.