Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Happy Endings

Anyone who knows me  knows that I'm a sentimental person.

A friend of mine found out that she was carrying twins about a week ago, and it hit me. You hear of women who have abortions and regret it forever, and you hear of people who go through adoption and regret it. That is not what I'm going through.

A lot of people dont understand what I went through, and I understand that. There are people who come from two extremes.

1. It was a surrogacy, a surrogate should never keep a baby regardless of circumstances. That baby was never hers and never should be.

2. If Intended Parents back out, a surrogate should keep the baby under any circumstances, as that child then becomes hers.

Until you are actually faced with the actual choice, I don't believe that you can actually say what you would do. To give a child up who is biologically yours is a choice, and as a surrogate, it is something that I was okay with,a nd something that I wanted to do. I did NOT want to give those babies to strangers by any means. However, I also could not keep them... I don't talk about what emotions I went through during the adoption of my [yes, MY] twins.

The simple explanation is that it wouldn't be fair to them to bring them into the family, as I know that I couldn't have time for 4 children under 3. I knew my own limitations in this. I knew that they would have a better life, and more opportunities if adopted. Period.

That being said... it wasn't easy by any standards and there were and still are some nights when I cry. I was the only parent they had for almost 12 weeks. That is a long time. I was a mother of twins for almost 12 weeks. For those who have children... if you can imagine how much love you feel for your children even before birth, then you know the love I had for those babies.

Adoption was my decision. I had to live with whatever outcome I was going to give to those babies. A better life, with a family who would appreciate every sleepless night and every new bandaid needed is what they deserved and it is why I gave them that life. I had all the legal rights to keep them, and I had all the legal rights to give them to a family who could do better.

With all of that in mind... I am like any other birth mother on the planet. I have my ups and downs, and it is not always easy for me when I think of them, or see new pictures of them. Yes, they have a wonderful family. Yes they are well taken care of. Yes they are well loved. Yes they were wanted more than anything in the world. Yes they have parents who would move mountains for them. ...Yes, somedays I miss the hell out of them and wish that things could have been different... but they weren't and aren't.

I do not regret the adoption.

I do not regret having them.

I do not regret the surrogacy.

I regret not choosing biological parents who were capable of taking care of them.

And -- with all of that in the open, I've been talking to IP's through my agency for a little bit, and we are looking forward to meeting.

Regardless of my past experience, I am looking forward to opening a new chapter, and looking forward to a happy ending :)  Afterall... that is why surrogates are surrogates, to help create that happy ending.