Closed For Business

I know some of you may have noticed something odd about my facebook page...like... it wasn't there anymore.  I've decided to shut down my page for now... and I don't know when I'll be back to be honest...due to a lot of drama in my life that I don't want shared ANYWHERE.  I am going through a realllly hard time right now, and a lot of changes will be ahead... and I will let everyone know what they are when the result is in effect.

I don' tknow what else to say right now... I've been told I have a lot wrong with me... and I guess I should work on that before I can help others or help others make life changing decisions.  Until then... I guess I won't really be around.  I'll try to update as I go, but I'm not going to be posting any personal details from now on, or the details of the pregnancy that aren't obvious.  This is because maybe I have let too many people  in, and maybe I am what I have been told I am. 

Of course, it's hard to admit to any  scrutiny... we as humans tend to try to be as perfect as possible... knowing thatit is impossible and that we will never obtain perfection.  No one likes to think of themselves as less of a person in comparison to a neighbor or friend, but sometimes it's just it's just reality.  None of us are perfect, some of us are far from perfect.  Those of us who are further from perfection need to try to look in a mirror and look at the person who is staring back... and maybe we all need to think what we can do to change ourselves to be more accepted to others?  I'm not doing well with any of this obviously... and I feel a little lost to be honest. 

When someone you truly love hurts you... it can feel like a gaping hole in your chest... not your heart... your chest.  It forces each tear out of your eyes, and it makes it hard to swallow.  It leaves your chest and lungs feeling empty... hollow... makes it hard to breathe even... hard to think... hard to sleep or even eat.  You feel like you've been hit... by something must faster and bigger than a freight train.  I don't know how else to explain how I feel right now.  I haven't spoken much about the raw emotions I've had... relationships can be warm, fuzzy and delightful.  They can be cold, hard and tough as well.  No relationship [like no person] is perfect and they [and we] all need work and it takes two people to come together and truly put 50% into it.  When one side comes up short... it can be overwhelming. 

I probaby sound crazy right now... I feel a bit crazy to be honest... I feel very lost... I'm not sure where to turn or where to run... or if I should run... but can't face it either... afraid of another assault... but worse yet... what if it could have been resolved if you faced it?  Then you live with that empty feeling again right?  It feels so deep... lungs feel heavy, heart feels like dead weight in your chest. 

I always believed that there would be a never ending love for me... that we would have children... get married... work together... when that reality doesn't happen, it can be hard.  It can be more than hard, it can be.. devastating I guess.  I have no idea where I'm going with this... and I won't pretend to.  When life gives you nothing... how do you turn around again...to start over?  Can we?  Can the paths behind us also lead us into a lighter place?  Do we want to go back... or move forward?  If we go back, are we missing the point?  If we go forward, are we missing something that was actually always there... it just had to be looked over? 

In a break up... the one left behind always hopes that they are missed... that the other person regrets it... but... that fear that they don't regret it... that they aren't even dwelling... it makes you feel stupid for wanting them back....  I haven't been anywhere but this relationship for what seems like my entire life... it's protected me, kept me sheltered from some of life's hardships.  Admittedly... it's also brought some hardships... but I don't think I would take any of them back, and I don't think that I would be happier without them.  How do you put that into words though? 

I know I started this blog hoping to have it here to educate others about surrogacy, and hopefully, pregnancy.  It has now turned into a personal blog... and for those who are disappointed... I'm sorry.  I've never felt as lost and alone as I do right now, and I know you're never "alone" when you have children... but I feel alone.  Silly isn't it?  To have wanted to feel alone for so long... and now that I have it... to feel to empty. 

I'm all over the place... but I'm still trying to sort my emotions and thoughts and to figure out what I'm going to do....

For those of you who are close to family... I envy you.  For the women out there close to their mothers... I envy you.  I have a very hard time with talking to my mother...tough love only goes so far... then it just feel cruel.  I have no idea what my daughter will say about me in 20 years... but I hope we are much closer, and that she can call me crying and know that I will comfort her before judging. 

Loneliness is not from being alone my friends... it's from not having bonds and not having others to relate to.  I'll slowly have to learn that I guess. 

How will I go to family functions, being a single mom?  What do I tell family at the next holiday when I show up alone?  These are all things that I have never had to consider.  A brick wall would have been more gentle if it had landed on top of me.  How do you sleep with that empty feeling nagging at you...and you not knowing how to fill it?  Do you just keep yourself occupied until you forget that the full feeling ever existed? 

There are so many questions... and there are never enough answers.  How can you loves someone and not say a positive thing about them... I'm not talking about how I feel about someone else.  I was told they loved me...but I have not a positive bone to live on... how is that possible.... 

I am thinking about shutting this blog down.. as it will be pretty boring for a few weeks... just me... doing this.. a lot.  I am having a hard time to be positive... although I'm sure that there are many things to be thankful for... my children are in wonderful health and are smart and beautiful. 

Hopefully I will find myself...  need to find myself.  When you've known something for so long... it's so hard to change.  Change isn't always great... but it's rarely bad from all views.  I could go on and on and rant until I ran out of words and tears... for now they seem endless.

Sorry this one wasn't much fun...I'll try to hold off for awhile. 

We were 13.5 weeks today by the way.  second trimester hasn't been much better yet... but things have to get better right?

I'm gopng to try to sleep... it's 120am.  Gabey has been sleeping since 745pm ish, so should be up any moment looking for a cheerful mommy with a bottle waiting. 

Good night everyone.

Cathleen

I'm Home To Clean!

I've been gone the last few days to try to clear my head, decide what I want...  but mostly... to get away from the mess I call an apartment.

Upon arrival ofmy house, I wasn't too keen on staying here lol  I had thought maybe I could afford to just pay someone to clean it all for me... but I can't... so I'm on a mission today to clean as much as I can.  Kitchen and living room are the biggest chores to do, and they are my goal for the next two days!  Almost done my living room, and then I need to take a break. 

I know all moms get overwhelmed with chores sometimes.  As sad as it is, I'm not sure I am overwhelmed... just... tired.  I'm tired of seeing mess.  I had an amazing few days away from home to be honest, and just living in an environment that was clean... it made my month... possibly year. 

The children aren't helping, but it's not really their job to, so I'm going to be a "bad mom" and shove them both into their high chair and exersaucer and clean like a mad woman until this room is CLEAN!  WOOHOO FOR CLEAN LIVING ROOM!  *keep cheering!! I need the encouragement!  If there are any male cheerleaders around... now's the time to come out!* lol

Seriously though.. I need a few hunky men to come in and cheer for me to get this house done LOL

*anxiously waits a few hours* - they're not coming are they?  Didn't think so... *keeps folding laundry*

Alrighty... HERE WE GO!  I hear it gets a bit easier once the children start school... that better be true, because it's what I'm counting down to lol [just kidding, I love my children and love that they are little and still admire and want to be like mommy... rather that than have a 14 year old dressing like lady gaga or britney spears!]

Have a great day everyone!  It's bright and sunny here, clear blue skies ahead and it makes me feel good!

Cathleen

The Cause And Effect Rule

For every action, there tends to be a consequence of equal or greater impact.


**EDITED AND REMOVED**

Do NOT be too shy to say it as it is in my comment box, as I have never declined a comment on my blog, whether it was good or bad.  I know that I put myself in this siutaion and I know that it is my own fault that I am sitting here completely shattered.  I have a very close friend who made sure that I knew that I am not fault free in this situation, and I love her for it, she is right.  I wanted to WARN others to NOT put themselves in this situation, make sure your expenses are covered in this line of work.

I try to speak more about myself in this blogs than others.

I had to make an exception today though, although, I won't make it obvious who I'm speaking of, and I have never spoken about this person, so that helps in keeping it anonymous.

The group that banned for and accused me of threatening to abort the babies kept a few of the people that I had added, and also, people that I knew.

One of them posted that she had told me that this would all happen [and, who could have seen this all happening, I'm sure my IP's and I didn't even have any way of knowing how things would roll out] and had warned me but I didn't listen.  I thought that was a bit immature, after the beating they had given me.  I have a few friends still in that group, so word was going to get back to me -obviously-.

Surrogacy is SUPPOSED to be a very beautiful thing, in some cases, it can be very stressful and it can be very tiring.  I don't want this to stop anyone from going into surrogacy, as I'm sure my next journey [if I can even carry again] will be just as beautiful as I had hoped, and that my IP's will be overly understanding of what has happened in this journey, as there are also unexpected things that happen in surrogacy, most good, but there has to be some give in the situation of giving life, and two families merging.

This CAN be a wonderful thing for both parties, as most surrogates get many places with the money they make.  I can change lives on both sides of the field if it is given the opportunity.  It is not always easy.  But it should have benefits for both sides.

I hope my blogs to follow are full of happiness, encouragement and good news.  I will be removing my previous blog as I don't feel as though it gives this situation any justice at all.  It has gone beyond what I had ever thought it would.

I never wanted to live with regret, and I hope that regret somehow leads to something better.  only 20w4d until I reach full term with the twins. Here is to hoping they are better and full of rainbows and love and sunshine!

13 Weeks... Wow. Second Trimester...

Well... I guess this is it!  We are 13 weeks as of today, and have successfully managed to escape the first trimester.

Yesterday I was diagnosed with pregnancy induced hyperthyroidism and am now high risk [not sure if that would now make me high high risk ... not sure how that would work] for the rest of my pregnancy.  I'm on medication 3 times a day to try to control it. ...Not a good week haha

PREVIOUS PARAGRAPHS HAVE BEEN REMOVED

With all of the problems that happen to pop up at once right now, I wanted to make a quick note about ADHD, as my other half has adult ADHD and it is not easy to live with someone who suffers from ADHD.

Having said this, I want to make a quick note about ADHD awareness.  Unless one of the parents have it, it can be preventable.  Smoking and eating unhealthy during pregnancy [drinking a lot of caffeine even] significantly raises the chance that your baby will be born with ADHD.  By cutting down your smoking to 1-2 a day even make a HUGE difference in your child's life, and cutting out high caffeine drinks [coffee, pop] or minimizing them to the best of your ability will also help.  ADD is also a big factor, and is very different from ADHD. 

Please keep all of this in mind if you are pregnant.  It will change their lives forever.  Their relationships, how they cope with situations and other people.  How well they can parent their own children.  It is 9 months of our lives that effect 80 years and future generations after that. 

Thank you everyone who reads and follows me, it means a lot.  Surrogacy isn't easy, and no one HAS to do it, but no matter how difficult the journey, all surrogates hope for a wonderful life for the children who come of it.

Cathleen

12w5d

I can't believe we start out second trimester in 2 days! 

It seems to have gone by like a freight train!  My kids are growing at the same rate as the twins seem to be, so it's always a struggle to balance mommyhood, chores, wifehood and surromode lol  The chores seem to have built up at a crazy speed over the last few weeks,and I'm cracking down on them this weekend!  I have most likely over 10 loads of laundry waiting to be folded, but at least they are clean.  I most likely have abother 5-6 loads to do and then I can start to slow down.

Looks like I'll be taking some time off from the housework [at least, in my house] from Monday to Thursday and leaving hubby at home!  A friend of mine offered to come get me and my children for a few days to get away.  It will be really nice, as I've never been out of the house for more than one night with the kids, and it may end up being something I do more often!

It will also be nice to have another mommy and for the children to be with other children.  It should be interesting to see how they both cope and see where they are at in comparison to the other children, who are a little older than mine are, but not by too much.

Also, I will be attending my first ever concert in March.  I will be 19w5d when we go see the concert, but may have to put everything on hold until I see my doctor about my sciatic nerve and to see if it's save.   Most of the information I found has said that it's more than safe until the last trimester, as the pressure could send me into labor, however, being a twin pregnancy, my doc may want to stay on the safe side and say no.  We will find out for sure on Friday!

I have been lonely going through this pregnancy on my own.  I guess that's all a part of surrogacy, and it's a part that I will have to live with.  We have only 21w2d until we are considered fullterm with the twins.  By 17 weeks, we will be half way there!  How crazy is that, in 4 weeks and 2 days we will be halfway!  It's great! haha  I'm not near tired of being pregnant yet, but it might have a lot to do with the fact that I have no preparing to do this pregnancy, so it's all about just focusing on my life and trying to find order, and no stress to have to add more!

My IP's haven't had internet in a few days, so when they finally get it back next week they will most likely have a lot to catch up on!

I wasn't sure if I would bring it up on here, but just this morning decided to.  I have been video blogging on youtube.com and my  username is Cathleen1091 if anyone wants to go check them out.  I only have two, and only started at 12 weeks, as I didn't want to start themand then something happen to the babies.  Now that I know that I have survived the first trimester though, I feel much more confident to do them. 

Feel free to ask questions for me to post on my video blogs, and I will also answer them here too.  I love to answer questions, and it makes me feel like by educating, I could be making a bigger difference. 

Hope everyone has a great weekend, and I will come back in and tell everyone how the progress is going on this house haha

Cathleen

Time To Do A Comparison!

Hey everyone! Having reached 12.5 weeks today, I thought I would compare my prepregnancy [right before I got pregnant with the twins] to a picture I took today!

Sorry the dates are off so bad lol My camera just.. sucks.

My bra size went up, as you can probably already notice, so I feel a lot bigger than I look lol 

Don't be shy to let me know what you think, or if you guys want more comparisons, I think I'll be doing another at 20 weeks of these two and the new one.

Have a great day everyone <3

Cathleen

The Days Wear On

For those of my readers who have children and are housewives, you should know that cabin fever is very real, and effects most of us.  We tend to lose contact with our friends, and we tend to have our lives revolve around housework and keeping our children out of trouble and healthy.  I have made it a goal for this week to make plans for supper or something of that sort with a friend, and just relax, and it has to be child free.  I have never thought that a twin pregnancy would be just so draining, and I guess thatès the biggest different as of yet, and it's severely exhausting. 

I'm not a single mother, but for those of us who have husbands who are workaholics, it can feel like our husbands are big children who have mastered the ability to create mess and clutter.  Anyone who is currently pregnant [for some reason, after pregnancy we tend to forget quickly], just LIVING is tiring sometimes and standing for 5 minutes to clean makes us dizzy and feel sick and weak.  My house has gotten to the point where it will take a good day or two of hard work to get it all done, and the laundry still wouldn't be all done, it can be very frustrating at times. 

Of course, I can't complain, my bills are paid and food is bought.  The chores and child rearing are my entire responsibility though, which can be a heavy load at time.  During the winter, some of us Canadian mothers feel that cabin fever settle in.  I have been told by my doctor that I can no longer push our double stroller through the slushy sidewalks, so I have not really left the house.  I went to a corner store last week I think to quickly pick up some fruit... that's it. 

My personal goals for this week include the following :
1. take a warm bath
2. schedule a supper out with a friend, no children
3. clean the living room today
4. clean the dining room tomorrow [including folding all the clean laundry
5. do some dishes today
6. try to remember to be grateful for all I have, even if sometimes my responsibilities seem overwhelming

Those are the most important anyway.  Let's see how many I can do today, and hopefully there won't be many left by Friday to do.  I will give myself until Sunday to finish though.

What does everyone do to keep motivated?  Sometimes... I feel like it's all piled up for too long and there is no hope lol