Try To Be Happy When You're Sooo Sad....

So, at first, other surrogates were pregnant before I even arrived at the scene.  Of course, this is a wonderful thing and I was soo happy for them.  However, After I had matched, and signed and started to do inseminations, other surrogates also became pregnant for their intended parents.

As the weeks, and months, have gone by, I have found it harder and harder to congratulate other surrogates on confirmed pregnancies, and I know that it will be even harder as the months - and my cycles - pass by.  Of course, I am soo happy that they are seeing results.  However, as my friends and their partners get pregnant, and surrogates get pregnant, I seem to feel left out, and a little cheated.

I know this is self centered and I AM happy, honestly, that they are pregnant.  I want to give them all a big hug and throw them a party... after I run and get my jumbo size kleenex box and cry for a few hours.  I find myself jealous of all these women, deserving and not deserving of this gift, and I'm trying to figure out why, even though some of these women do not DESERVE children, should be blessed with them when people sooo deserving must stand by, and hope for miracles.  

I don't want to this turn into a "Blame God" blog, he is not to blame.  I just wish that he would allow me to understand why drug addicts can have 5 children to which they abuse and neglect... when it can take 15 years for a couple to adopt a child in need into a loving, safe and wholesome envirmonment... and why there are so many restrictions to adoption in a world of such need.

I'm most certainly not in a joking mood today, but I wanted to leave with you more than just sad thoughts.  

I also wanted to mention while I was here to look into Triffid Flax Seed.  It has absolutely nothing to do with Pregnancy or Surrogacy, but it DOES effect everyone globally, and usually I keep these little things to myself, but I think that it is going to have a major impact on the planet.  I will mention that the measures that they want to take are pointless, and I will explain in another blog.  To go into detail it could take me hours, but just read a short article about it.  It's important to know and to be aware of the things that happen around us.  This could change the way crops are made.  It is a possible way to have sustainable resources in the future, but if you look into it, there are risks and effects that have to be considered as well.  I first learned about Triffid Flax about a year ago, and I've been looking into it since, it's one of my many many projects :)  

Alright, I'll leave you a few jokes, not pregnancy related today, as I don't want to deal with pregnant people today haha

Hawaii Crazy Law

Coins are not allowed to be placed in one's ears.

All residents may be fined as a result of not owning a boat. 

Honolulu

Within the limits of any public park, it is unlawful to annoy any bird. (SEC. 10-1.2) Why God Created Lawyers

Satan was complaining bitterly to God, "You made the world so that it was not fair, and you made it so that most people would have to struggle every day, fight against their innate wishes and desires, and deal with all sorts of losses, grief, disasters, and catastrophes. Yet people worship and adore you. People fight, get arrested, and cheat each other, and I get blamed, even when it is not my fault. Sure, I'm evil, but give me a break. Can't you do something to make them stop blaming me?"

And so God created lawyers.

Dumb Alabama Laws

It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.

Dominoes may not be played on Sunday. 

You may not drive barefooted.

It is illegal to maim oneself to escape duty.

It is illegal to impersonate a person of the clergy.

Women are able to retain all property they owned prior to marriage in the case of divorce. However, this provision does not apply to men.

Masks may not be worn in public.

Putting salt on a railraod track may be punishable by death.

Boogers may not be flicked into the wind.

Bear wrestling matches are prohibited.

It is legal to drive the wrong way down a one-way street if you have a lantern attached to the front of your automobile.

Men may not spit in front of the opposite sex.

Incestous marriages are legal.

It is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church.

You must have windshield wipers on your car.

• You may not have an ice cream cone in your back pocket at any time. 

HAVE A GREAT DAY

Cathleen

Yes... Yes It Has

I know it has been awhile since I've updated everyone!! Keeping that in mind, I decided it was time. lol

We are moving ahead and finally have a plan.  November is looking good haha.  My IF has taken leave from work [most of you are now finding your jaw on your lap, I know I had to] so that we could try.  Of course, at this point, I'm not sure what my IPs are going through considering all of the sacrifices they have already made to try to make this work.  

Most of my readers understand that cycles are unpredictable.  There is no way to tell you all today when I will ovulation of course.  However, until AF comes, I can tell you all that IF will be coming around the 17th, as ovulation will be around the 19th if AF comes when she should.  

We're waiting to see if I have other news, but for the time being, I don't... want some more filling?

A woman went to the doctor's office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped and asked her what the problem was, and she explained. He had her sit down and relax in another room.

The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was PREGNANT?"

The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard.

"Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?"




A lady from a foreign country who could not understand much English wasn't feeling well and went to see her doctor. After examining her he said, "You are pregnant. Please understand that you have an insufficient passage and if you have a baby it will be a miracle."

The lady rushed home crying and told her husband, "The doctor says I'm pregnant and I have a fish in the passage and if I have a baby it will be a mackerel!"




A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital to give birth. The doctor told them that they'd developed a new machine and asked if the couple would like to try it out. The machine could take some of the pain of childbirth from the mother and give it to the father to ease the mother's burden.

Well, they thought that was a good idea, and decided to give it a try. The doctor initially set the machine on 10 percent, telling the man that even 10 percent was probably more pain than he'd ever experienced. But the husband was surprised at how little pain he was feeling, and asked the doctor to raise the level.

The doctor increased it to 20 percent, and when the man still felt fine, he raised it to 50 and finally 100 percent.

After it was all over, the man stood up, and stretched a little. Both he and his wife felt fine, and they shortly left the hospital to take the baby home.

It was then that they found the mailman dead on their doorstep.




A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?"

The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."
"I know, but can't you give me some idea?" she asks.

"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."
"Like this?"
"A little more..."
"Like this?"
"No. A little more..."
"Like this?"
"Yes. Does that hurt?
"A little bit."
"Now stretch it over your head!"

Hope you all enjoyed!!!


Cathleen

To Answer Some Questoins... And Unfortunately... Confuse You A Bit More

Hello Everyone;

So everyone wants to know.. What's next?

Unfortunately, I do not have those answers yet, although [trust me] I wish I did.  We're all hoping to have it arranged soon, although, IF's job isn't very easy to work around for the time being.  There are a few ideas up in the air but YES we ARE trying again without a shadow of a doubt. 

None of us are giving up, I don't think it is in our nature. 

Of course, there are things I have to speak to Josh about first, it is fine for them to come to us again, but the main problem is that I am hoping to try clomid this time, and the only way for me to get it is to go there to start the treatments. 

This is of course still a bit fresh to us all, and I know myself, am still shocked that it did not take. 

God works in mysterious ways ... as most of you know.  There is a reason for everything, that is the only sure thing.... no one knows WHY things happen... they just do.    It's hard to tell yourself that as a surrogate... it is hard to convince yourself that it was out of your hands. 

If you have any questions, post them as comments, and I will make a new blog... I can't comment on my own posts for some reason... so this is really the only way to get back to everythone.

Thank you for commenting, I LOVE to read your thoughts and feelings, and thank you for joining me and following me on this journey. 

Cathleen

Small Update

Well...

AF started today... actually... technically yesterday [October 12th] at 2:45pm. 

I cried instantly when I seen the blood and I thought it was a cruel joke... how could this have possibly happened to us?  Why wouldn't it have worked?  How could it not work?  I got pregnant so easily with our own children... why is this any different.  Unfortunately, it was NOT a cruel joke, and it WAS for real.

I know that God works in mysterious ways.... I have to be grateful that AF didn't start on Thanksgiving Day....  This seems just so cruel.  Keeping in mind that it takes perfectly healthy couples more than one shot in most cases, I have tried to settle my feelings with the following reasons why surrogacy is SO different from conceiving on your own, with your own partner.

1. There are stresses involved with surrogacy that you would never face while conceiving at home [ie: knowing that your IPs have spent so much money on treatment/travel, you have one shot...you can not just roll over and say "Honey... let's have some fun!!", you are not the only ones hoping it takes, there are two families waiting on results etc]
2. You have money riding on the results as well.
3. As a surrogate, you come to love your Intended Parents, and feel their want and need for it to take just as much as yours.
4. We are all taking extra reprocautions that we would not usually take when trying for our own child [ie:prenatal vitamins, buying special foods] because this is not our child, and want to have the healthiest child possible to pass over to their parents [this is what Intended Parents trust us to do].
5. As a surrogate, we are out to please our Intended Parents, that would mean getting pregnant...NOW!

There are so many things that could happen.  You fall in love with these people and their whole family, you want nothing but the best, but this can also alter your sense of being. 

Stressing over all of those things can alter ovulation.. which is certainly NOT something we all want.  This is why a lot of TS's feel the need to be on fertility medications... to have reassurance.  As a GS *in most cases* two embryos are sent in... this is not always just because their IPs want twins, but also because it is reassurance that at least one will take. 

This is something I have tried to do myself, however, I can not have these sent to me from online because Canada Post will not allow it.  It is the same in the UK and in France.  I did not know this.  So, for all of the potential TS's from Canada, please bear in mind that you would need someone to physically bring you these medications from the US or another country. 

I'm sorry I'm a bit gloomy today. 

With this surrogacy I've learned a lot about myself, as I'm sure many first time surrogates do. 

I've learned that I may get attached to people too easily.  I'm not talking about the fetus I will be carrying, but my Intended Parents.  I realized that this may have actually stunted us, as I cared too much about how much money and how this is effecting them too much... this added to the other stresses of surrogacy.  There is soo much you learn about getting attached in this business, but that is one I had not expected.

I've learned that I have to stand up for what I believe in.  At the beginning of this journey, I may have thought that as long as my IP's were happy, it is all that truly mattered... now I know that that is not correct, and we ALL have to live outside this surrogacy.  You can't cut off your other relationships in this journey, and you find that it is very hard to remember that when surrogacy is all consuming.  Everything you do, everywhere you go... it is always there, and you are always thinking about making healthy decisions for their baby.

These are things that you don't know about until you are there.  They are not BAD things... but are things that are quickly discovered.  It is important to find yourself when you go through this, especially a first surrogacy where you are simply gaining the experience and trying to enjoy it all and take every bit of it in.

Some people will never know the things about themselves that I will by the end of my first surrogacy, and as I do this onward, I hope to keep learning about my self and other cultures and life styles....  I'm so grateful to have learned everything I have so far.

I truly hope that no one picks out all my grammatical errors and my run ons (it really was the biggest point destroyer in English during high school).  I'm sorry this is so long as well, but I haven't had a good honest post in awhile, and I definitely thought I owed it to everyone who is still following us on our journey. I also apogolize if I have repeated myself... it is really late here and I've been told I have a way with words - and a way of repeating them. haha

With that, I sign off with a smile on my face... and I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving weekend!

Cathleen

Getting Close...Losing Patience

We are 8 or 9 dpo depending on when ovulation happened, since it happened over night. 

We test in 3 days from now and it certainly does seem like a far way to go at this point.  I was the lady with 14 pregnancy tests yesterday at the mall.  The clerk looked at me like I was CRAZY.  I told her I wanted to be sure, and she asked if 1-3 would have been enough, and of course, I said... I would have been as certain as if I had 14!

I can't wait to test! I am starting to get nervous though.  We've had a few symptoms already, so we're all just praying for a great test result, if not I'm going to get a blood test to be certain.  It's a little nerve wracking haha.  I feeeel pregnant already, and I don't now why I'm stressing about this. I'm already thinking about little girl characteristics!  haha

I'll post some belly pictures soon, I went to the mall today and I got a few comments about it. lol 

Okay... not sure what else to blog about hahahaha

See you all later
God Bless

Cathleen

....8.....

Days left until we test.  It's really closer to 7.5.

I just got home from Montreal, and had a great time for the 9 or so hours I was actually there and have a few pics!

Ignore the dates... my camera SUCKS haha

So, I did almost 30 hours of travelling for 9 hours in Montreal hahaha.  It was soo fun and I'm so grateful that I got to go!! 

So the count down is ON!  On the morning of the 11th, we will be testing :)  That will make us 10 days past ovulation.  It can take up to 14 days past ovulation, so hopefully it'll be good nd it'll turn up when we want it to!

Not sure what else to update on!  Our last insemination was October 2nd at 4pm.  That was just in case :)  But I'm positive that the sperm and egg met late the night before :)

Okay, so... ask any questions!

Cathleen