the twins turn 4 months old

i'm on an online keyboard sp i'll keep it short lol

here's an update on the twins!

gavin is a whopping 10 lbs 14 oz and miss haley is 10 lbs 6 oz! my little troopers! they wereboth taken off iron pills this week! yay! at 4 months, they've around tripled their birth weights!!

Changes

Can't believe how fast the last week has gone by!

I started working on Monday for a great company [Minacs]. We have a great client and I'm actually seeing going back to work as a positive thing now.

I really feel for my trainer [who we will call Tasha for confidentiality reasons]. She's originally from another province, and she lives with her mom and brother [from what I gather], and she was asked to just come for ONE cycle of training. She is now on her second and she is really home sick. The reason they are asking her to STAY is because she's [from what I hear] the best trainer. She knows the system in and out, she knows how to teach it, and she's passionate about it. I just wish she could go home to her mom, who she seems to be relatively concerned about.

There is always something to be grateful for... she reminds me to be grateful for my family and that I do not have to be away from them for any longer than 8 hours a day.

I LOVE my job so far! We are now done the first week of training. Time is FLYING by!

I know, you all come for the surrogacy updates haha

Well, here it is. I have no real update. I am still matched to the same couple, who live in Ontario. They are great though! Don't feel shy to ask any questions, and unless it's super personal on their end, I can answer them!

We are getting super excited as the testing part and of course, screening part, is coming up in just a couple months now. I DO wish I could do all of this a lot sooner. My idea Pregnancy would end in November before it got TOO cold, especially if there are twins again! I had a really hard time finding coats during my last twin pregnancy to get me through June until the warmer weather set in in July.

The cooler weather is rolling in, and fall is HERE!

I'm looking forward to winter this year actually. I know, I will whine and complain about it once we've hit month 4 of winter, but Gabriel hasnt' hasn't played in the snow yet! Lexi has onlyplayed in it a little bit because last winter, we didn't have a safe parking lot like we do here!

Not sure what else to update on though. I'll get back to you whent he clinic gets back to me!

Have a GREAT week everyone!

Cathleen

Happy Endings

Anyone who knows me  knows that I'm a sentimental person.

A friend of mine found out that she was carrying twins about a week ago, and it hit me. You hear of women who have abortions and regret it forever, and you hear of people who go through adoption and regret it. That is not what I'm going through.

A lot of people dont understand what I went through, and I understand that. There are people who come from two extremes.

1. It was a surrogacy, a surrogate should never keep a baby regardless of circumstances. That baby was never hers and never should be.

2. If Intended Parents back out, a surrogate should keep the baby under any circumstances, as that child then becomes hers.

Until you are actually faced with the actual choice, I don't believe that you can actually say what you would do. To give a child up who is biologically yours is a choice, and as a surrogate, it is something that I was okay with,a nd something that I wanted to do. I did NOT want to give those babies to strangers by any means. However, I also could not keep them... I don't talk about what emotions I went through during the adoption of my [yes, MY] twins.

The simple explanation is that it wouldn't be fair to them to bring them into the family, as I know that I couldn't have time for 4 children under 3. I knew my own limitations in this. I knew that they would have a better life, and more opportunities if adopted. Period.

That being said... it wasn't easy by any standards and there were and still are some nights when I cry. I was the only parent they had for almost 12 weeks. That is a long time. I was a mother of twins for almost 12 weeks. For those who have children... if you can imagine how much love you feel for your children even before birth, then you know the love I had for those babies.

Adoption was my decision. I had to live with whatever outcome I was going to give to those babies. A better life, with a family who would appreciate every sleepless night and every new bandaid needed is what they deserved and it is why I gave them that life. I had all the legal rights to keep them, and I had all the legal rights to give them to a family who could do better.

With all of that in mind... I am like any other birth mother on the planet. I have my ups and downs, and it is not always easy for me when I think of them, or see new pictures of them. Yes, they have a wonderful family. Yes they are well taken care of. Yes they are well loved. Yes they were wanted more than anything in the world. Yes they have parents who would move mountains for them. ...Yes, somedays I miss the hell out of them and wish that things could have been different... but they weren't and aren't.

I do not regret the adoption.

I do not regret having them.

I do not regret the surrogacy.

I regret not choosing biological parents who were capable of taking care of them.

And -- with all of that in the open, I've been talking to IP's through my agency for a little bit, and we are looking forward to meeting.

Regardless of my past experience, I am looking forward to opening a new chapter, and looking forward to a happy ending :)  Afterall... that is why surrogates are surrogates, to help create that happy ending.

New Cycle...Again?

Yep.

That's right.

Time of the month.. AGAIN!

My first cycle after the twins being born was 24 days long, but I figured it was because I was on birth control pills. AF started lightly on CD23, and then heavy CD24.

THIS cycle was only 22 days long. Which means that I ovulated CD8. HOW does that make sense.

I'll be glad when my cycles start to smarten up lol Right n ow, I'm ovulated twice within a MONTH. See how that could be dangerous haha

So, we're CD2 today.

Going to go back on birth control I guess and see if it lengthens out, I'll need to be on birth controlpills anyway when I start surrogacy again.

OH, update. I'm looking at profiles again. It's exciting, but it's also a huge let down when I get couples who keep saying that I'm simply too far. They LOVE my profile, but just don't want a surrogate who is soo far away from them. I do understand though, who doesn't want to be a part of the pregnancy. Oh well :( On to the next profile!

Small Update

I know I haven't updated in awhile, but there is good reason.

I'm having problems with my social assistance again [they're 6 for 6 months so far with problems] so I've been stressed out.

I had started to seriously speak to a couple, but they have since decided that they are not ready to move forward yet.

I have now signed up with a surrogacy agancy, and have sent in all my information and now just have to wait on profiles to go through.

I am moving in a week [yes! A week! no time to pack! haha] into a house, Josh is hoping to move back in with me in a few months so that 1. I can get off welfare and 2. we can start to prepare for our wedding --- which is planned for March 27th 2012.

Lexi also celebrated her 3rd birthday on the 19th, so we had a birthday party to organize on top of everything else!

Super busy week, only 6.5 months left until my desired time to have a transfer! Just need IP's now LOL

The Want Without The Financial Capability

Okay, so I am definitely the first one to say [and believe] that those who are on welfare should not be trying to add more children to their families until they are financially stable. Period. I think it's wrong.

I have been suddenly seeing what seems like hundreds of people pregnant every day, seeing commercials for pregnancy tests, even my child's cartoon's have mommies who are super pregnant lately. It's driving me nuts lol

Then, suddenly hubby expresses that he actually wants the same amount of children I do - 4. We're at 2 right now, still living apart, still working on things, and our children are only 15 and 35 months old. We have lots of time to have another baby. LOADS. I'm 20.5 years old, there is no rush.

I'm thinking surrogacy may actually just be a way to put off this biological need to reproduce. It's crazy to want to have another baby in my situation! CRRAZY! So yes... I know this post will get a lot of "you can wait, my gosh, you had 4 kids in 2.75 years!" kind of posts.

It isn't just today though, it's been the last little while, baby fever always hits me faster and faster. I would be that woman in a villagewho gets pregnant like once a year and half the village's children are hers. Yeah - I've thought about this way too much.  Either way, I can't wait to be pregnant again, and I know that I can't do a surrogacy until March since my relationship is far too fragile to handle the stress of another surrogacy, and possibly other complications that come with surrogacy.  So, for another 6+ months... I will take my birth control pills religiously and wait.  It's driving me nutso! I have to be crazy!


All of that being said haha I was in a TTC group, and it got narrowed down from 114 to 18 people because people couldn't all get along and hold hands? I was really frustrated becuase everyone will have a different opinion on things, and it could have been dealt with a lot better in my opinon. I have started a few groups on facebook and have not ONCE had to delete a single person!

There are so many things going on lately lol

Josh has been working out of town and only here for a couple days at a time and then back out. The bonus... it's the same town as the "other woman" is from and lives in. That's right. I want to KILLL his boss... just saying.

I'm on day 11 of my birth control pills... I haven't been on birth control pills since december 2007! ..They didn't work well for me... my daughter was born in September 2008 lol Couldn't start my January pack and waited 3.5 weeks to come to terms that I needed to take a pregnancy test... being 3.5 weeks late... I was still in denial. I'm not using it for birth control right now obviously as I always always always use a second form of birth control, but my cycles being 28 days every month will be kind of nice haha. I can't believe that after almost 4 years, I can still remember to take them every single day within 20 minutes of the time I alotted for them! YAY ME! Yeah I know... 11 days isn't a HUGE thing - but it's pretty big for me lol I don't even remember WEEKLY things like taking the garbage out!

I went on a "vacation" for a couple days alone with Josh. His hotel is paid by work, so I went down and spent a couple days there [couple being...2 :)].  I did find that it held some healing power. We adventured all around, we went and got lost together, and found ourselves again. We did a little shopping [okay.. I did TOO MUCH shopping... let's be honest, that's what women do lol]. And I decided on a tattoo [I don't have any yet... and I know it's a sin... but I also don't want to die with regrets!! I want to experience as much as I can!].  The first day I was there was stressful... my sitter was young, and I should have known my children would have been too much, but had to find a sitter for the second day and night. Bullet dodged and I really enjoyed the last day there!

What an eventful week... sorry for the huge update on things. I'm trying to not post my life all over facebook and keep it for here!! Plus... sometimes I realize that if I want attention, I should get it in positive ways [like having more surrobabies!! haha].

I hope everyone has an AMAZING week, and try to pray for those who purposely hurt others, and those who lie and cheat and steal from honest people... they are obviously misguided and need all of the prayers we can offer!

-Cathleen xox

The Long... Slippery... Cold Slope We Call Repairing Starts

Having chosen to not live with any regrets, i've decided that love is worth fighting for. I know so many people who have told me they look back and to them it seems like they simply gave up... moved on... not realizing that all of the "what if"s would haunt them forever. None of us want to live with pain or regret, and I've discovered that sometimes pain is necessary to prevent living with endless regret.

I have been talking to many people in private about my situation, and have gotten SO much support, encouragement, different [very different] views on life, relationships, motherhood, and being a wife. While speaking to them, I said things that I later looked back at and realized that I not only meant every word, but that it made perfect sense to use in every day life... things I would later say to my daughter and son.

"the "tree" of our relationship has been RIPPED out of the ground... and he has to find a way to replant it... and that is not an easy task when some roots are broken already... the tree seldom lives after such trauma"

 I said this during a conversation with one of my high school best friends [I won't use names] while talking about things with her, and when I read it back to myself, I realized that I could really be proud of it.  It was exactly how I felt, and how I feel and how my daughter may feel in twenty years. 

I believe that each relationship starts as a seed, grows roots, and then emerges into the world as something either beautiful or devastating.  Eventually that tree grows, it can be either healthy or infested with illness, and can grow or die.  We have many trees in our lives, some deeper than others, some still growing, some have stopped growing years before and of course, some have already died. Whether they simply weren't nourished, or were burnt down willingly is a circumstance of consequence. 

My marriage has very deep roots for me, and it was built on adventure, love, trust, wonder and unquestionable friendship.  Parts of those roots are wounded, some of those damaged to an extent that I'm not sure if they can ever be repaired.  In order for the tree to survive, it must be carefully replanted, in earth that has been brought up, and it may never be the same tree again, but it will be a tree that will continue to grow.  If not, then the tree will release it's own seeds, and a new relationship will begin, not as deep as the previous and original tree, but one built on an attempt of friendship - as we will always be in each other's lives, since we have children together. It won't just end when the children move out, we will share weddings, grandchildren and great grandchildren. In order for that to even be possible, there will be effort regardless.

The second quote is this one.

"a slippery and cold slope at times, but hopefully it will be filled with hot chocolate stops and warm camp fires."

I was speaking in reference to the repairing of the relationship.  I think that it describes any marriage though, because when two people come together there will ALWAYS be challenges involved and there will always be fights and arguments and tears... and such is life.  The things you should be able to remember at the end of the day or the moments that bring tears of JOY to your eyes... your first kiss, first date, first time coming together as one person, your first child, and every child after, the times you were proud of each other beyond any words and the future. The future should always look bright. 

I'm going away to be alone with him for about 57 hours, and in those days he will have to work, but it will be the first time we are away with the kids... neither of us have ever had a vacation. We've never gone out over night together.

In order for this to happen I had a LOT of support around me and I think that I will always remember those people as the ones who enabled my marriage to come together, because I don't honestly think that it was ever actually together. I think we wanted it to, and I think that instead of lettin git happen, we ran from all of our real issues... these people are enabling us to actually fix these issues. 

I even have a friend who is willing to take my children on top of her THREE MONTH OLD so that I can go do this. How amazing is that?! She is the main reason I can go.

I had two friends come together and send me money, without them, I couldn't afford for someone to take the kids [I was originally going to take them WITH me since he's gone for a total of 6 days and it seemed likea long time to be apart when we're trying to work on something like this]. 

My  mom said she can take my daughter for a night as well, which will give my sitter a little break as well. My daughter is the trouble/mess maker of the two to be honest, my son is pretty well behaved [15 months old now].

Wish me luck... I can use all the luck I can get.