And The Bump GROWS - heavy on pictures

As the weeks wear on, unlike any other pregnancy, I notice these huge changes in my body.  From week to week, I tend to look down, and realize that I've grown quite a bit since the beginning of this pregnancy, when all the proof we had of this pregnancy was a pregnancy test of 50 and an ultrasound picture.  As the weeks go by, the proof is in the tummy! 

I've of course come to love the bump that I call "huge", but as time wears on, and weeks pass us by, I may be less and less apt to speak of the "bump" in such a favourable tone haha

I wanted to share some pictures of other people that I've found on the internet when looking at what to expect with twins, and i'm always AMAZED haha

Yep, that could be ME lol

I just googled these, I didn't take from an online blog or anything, so I'm assuming I can't get in trouble for posting them lol 

I also wanted to post some of the tshirts I'm trying to save up for, I want them soo bad haha 

Sorry, on this site I can't save/copy the picture of the shirt, just show you the links grr

http://www.zazzle.ca/proud_surrogate_tshirt-235686233501493517

http://www.zazzle.ca/yes_im_pregnant_no_they_arent_mine_tshirt-235605784019203012

http://www.zazzle.ca/my_oven_her_buns_tshirt-235426998151463159 - not sure why men are modelling this one lol

http://www.zazzle.ca/thats_not_my_baby_tshirt-235036655815794552

this is a mug I want haha http://www.zazzle.ca/im_not_the_mom_im_just_the_stork_mug-168862875405469185

I said I was going to post these sooner, but they're just amazing, so I wanted to make one blog full of pictures lol Sorry if you're computer crashed! haha

Well, that's it for today I think, I'm getting anxious to order some of these actually, and I'm waiting for the money to buy some and then I have to pick my favorite one or two! 

Which ones are y our favorite?  I'm having a reallly hard tiem picking!

Thanks everyone for reading these silly things hehe

-Cathleen

15 WEEKS! WOOHOO!!

At the realization that I may actually be done half of this pregnancy, I came to a stop... holy cow... I could be half done already.  *shock follows*  And then I quickly looked down, and realized that... I'm not nearly done half growing haha

A lot of people ask me if I'm afraid to get attached.  The reality of surrogacy, is that, of course I'm going to get attached!  These babies are growing inside me, wiggling and breathing in my amniotic fluid.  I get people who say "Oh, I would fall in love with that baby too easily!" Of course as surrogates we love these babies, and we are proud to give them amazing parents!  I don't know a surrogate who doesn't love that child that they hand over... but it's a different kind of love.  When you are carrying your own baby, you think of baby names, you buy little clothing, you imagine the first car ride home, it's magical.  Surrogacy... is so much more than that.  We grow these tiny babies, for a family [I don't mean just a couple, that child will have grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins... it effects more than the parent... it effects their entire families!].  How wonderful is it to give birth, and be able to see those first moments with their parents?  It will be absolutely amazing.  I'm not sure if any of you have been in that delivery room with a friend or relative... but I've seen it... it's absolute magic.  It makes everything so worth it!

When speaking to other surrogates who have gone through the birthing process, they said to me "It wasn't like my own children, when the baby met their family... it's like that's where they belonged all along."  I know it's hard to understand, but with surrogacy, you don't do all the preparing, rushing around.  You get to enjoy the pregnancy for what it is - a pregnancy.  I loved being pregnant, loved birthing... but helllll no I'm not having more kids LOL

Anyway, here are my 15 weeks pictures, hope you all enjoy!

Well... we don't see the feetsies anymore unless I bend over to purposely see them lol  I can see them when I walk, every time I take the time to look down when I walk, I reintroduce myself... and then usually run into somethiing bahahaha

I have no fricken clue how to do those crazy picture slides on youtube yet, but I'm crazy about trying to get one together, if anyone could do it for me or something... you could easily compare me to a 60 year old... I'm surprised I figured the blog thing out... it took awhile to figure out the picture thing though... still working on making these things fancier for you all. 

Don't forget that if you want to know anything... just ask.  You won't know until you ask, if I don't have the answers for you... I'll find them, interview random people on the street for all I care. [Just kidding, but I probably would do that].

I don't know how many other surrogates actually follow me, but I have found in the last few days, that people are quite amazed by surrogacy. lol.  I went into the small corner store and the lady behind the counter asked me if I lost weight.  I said "Kind of, but I'm carrying twins everywhere, so that would wear me down a bit!" She thought I was kidding... seriously.  Then I showed her the belly.  She believed me.  Then I told her they weren't mine! I was just carrying them for someone else!  She laughed again, and honestly thought I was "pulling her leg".  She asked me the normal questions, about money, and heard you could make quite a bit.  I said the usual "Yeah, if you're in it for the money, you could make a small fortune."  I hate how everyone always jumps to the conclusion that I'm in it for the money.  Seriously folks, I only asked for my immediate pregnancy expenses to be paid for, honest to God.  You can ask my IP's... money is NOT what I'm in this for, and if you think I am, you got it alll twisted.

I also went out in a blizzard [walked] for snacks tonight and ran into an old acquaintance that I was pregnant with for my daughter.  We used to be super close in middle school, she was my next door neighbor, we lived out in the sticks.  Aaaanyway, she was at the gas station I walked to, and of course, she was also shocked, brought up the money thing. In the end she had me undo my coat, undo my sweater and she actually felt my belly lol  People REALLY don't believe me! Honest to goodness!  When I left, she probably STILL doubted it haha 

I don't publicize it much to be honest, and when I found out I was pregnant, I didn't call family or friends.  I called 2 friends... that's it lol  So even though I live in a verry small town... pretty much everyone is shocked, and there are stilll family members who haven't heard.  They aren't mine, and I think that it's for the parents to do all the spreading around. 

Anyway, it's like... past 2am, but we had a movie night and as usual, I got carried away haha

Thank you all for following, and I reeeeaaaalllly do appreciate it everyone.

Leave comments below, I love them haha

-Cathleen

YouTube Blog From Another Surrogate

So, I had a few people ask me for the links to the blog that I was talking about a few blogs ago, and after getting her permission to put this out there, I got the links for you guys, so here they are.

Her Youtube Channel's address is http://www.youtube.com/user/meredegaby And she has two blogs, the first one is clearly labelled "Surrogacy"

Her blogspot blog is also on here, and she is a follower of mine if you want to go see that way, but here is the link http://mydearbabybean.blogspot.com/

They are both amazing and touching blogs, and encourage everyone to go through them, the endings are always sooo emotional for me, no matter how many times I look them over, i cry everytime!

Today we are 14 weeks 6 days!  Almost half way!

Enjoy!

-Cathleen

14.5 Weeks

hey everyone, I had a picture taken yesterday [14.5 weeks] so I'll post it real quick :P  I'm starting to look more and more pregnant and less and less fat LOL

Sorry, I know it's dark... my living room doesn't have lights, so it's ALWAYS dark!  GRR!

Hope you enjoy, and will have a new update/blog in 2 more days [Saturday] for the update for 15 weeks! Holy hell.. 15 weeks! That's very nearly half way done!

-Cathleen

Day 3

Well, My kids and I are never sick... sometimes we feel under the weather, but never actually... sick.  Well, we're sick now! lol  Today is day three, last night was Night 3 of being sick for me and the kids, which means that no one got any sleep again last night!  When I say parenting is worth every struggle...  I forgot to mention that that only applies when they aren't SICK LOL 

My 9.5 month old is very close to have no voice left now, and I can barely hear him cry now.  Everyone needs a good old nap every day [not that it's easy to convince everyone to do so] and hopefully we will all get better soon!  Everyone is ordered extra naps... except mommy... since a mommy's job is never really done.  All of their sheets, clothes... everything need to be disinfected and washed to kill all the germs, but of course, that only helps after we're all better to prevent it from coming back!

DD is havinig a hard time sitting still, so that makes her cough worse.  Gabey is in fairly good spirits despite being sick, he's my trooper!  Lexi is... stubborn by nature, and apparently being sick only makes it worse.  I feel bad for putting her on time out when we're all so sick, but if you've ever had a toddler, letting them get away with it is even worse!  So, it's 945am, 2 time outs so far, and many threats of more, I honestly just don't have the energy or will power right now to keep picking her up... kicking and screaming... and put her in her room haha 

I can't wait for the Spring to be here!  Only a few months left, and by the end of April, the snow will start to melt and we can all go walking and enjoying the weather and hopefully start enjoying ourselves more! 

I don't know many people who ENJOY winter... but i'm a definite protester of winter and all the colds, coughs, aches, pains and falls that come with it!  I've been lucky so far this pregnancy, I haven't had any falls yet, but with my belly growing, it has become more and more difficult to get over the ice!  I was pregnant this time of year last year as well, just a lot further along at this point as I was due in May.  I was at the beginning of my third trimester last year at this time, so hopefully I'm not as big as I was in April and we'll all be okay! lol 

Sorry, I'm just rambling from being so tired, combined sleep for 3 nights is at about 6-8 hours, but it's really hard to say since there were countless runs to DD's room for water and tylenol, countless diaper changes and cuddling time and bottle with the baby.  Feels like I've been up for three days straight, but I definitely got a couple hours in per night!

I took a picture of myself to show that I really am staring to feel the effects of this surrogacy and being sick, picked a horrible time of year to be in the second trimester, but at least I don't have to worry about going into labor during a snow storm!  There are actually certain months I will not try to get pregnant just because here, we get a LOT of snow... and it's common to have 1-2 days a week where we can't get out of the house and driving it just unsafe, so I would hate to have IP's from a warmer place have to travel in this to get here during labor!  Imagine! haha

Okay, I'll stop! LOL

-Cathleen

Bawling My Eyes Out

Yes.... Yes I am. 

A friend of mine [who had her surrodaughter just a couple days after I had my son] told me that she vlogged on youtube for HER surrogacy, and tonight, I decided to take the time to go see it!

The first few were kind of what I expected, although, she has WAY more followers and WAY more views haha *tint of jealousy*

So, it honestly took a few hours to get through them all, and then the part I was waiting for... the Labor and Delivery [Part 1 AND 2 were amazing Angèle!].  From about 2 minutes in... I bawled.  It was so motivating, and so touching to see her facial expressions and all the passion behind every second.  She was SO detailed in everything and I just cried! 

There was about 19 minutes to complete the birth story... and I definitely cried for 17 minutes of it and then cried afterward! 

This is what surrogacy is about. 

This is why we do it.

This is why we put ourselves through SO MUCH to give these people children.

Like she said, in that delivery room, it comes full circle.  

It's all over.

You've completed a family.

You've touched the lives of each parent, each child and all of their family and friends forever. 


I later had to vlog to express all of the feelings I was having, and I realized that i hadn't vlogged my tiny belly bump yet! So I did that as well.  I was crying through some of it, I will admit... but it was overly touching.  It makes every discomfort, every pill I need to take [and... there are a lot haha] every blood test... it's all so worth it.

We are 14w2d in a few minutes... and we could potentially have these babies out in 20 weeks now... I can't believe it sometimes, and in a way, I'm trying to hold on and enjoy it all because I know that it won't last forever, and I will regret ever wanting it to end!

Thank you's and praises go out to everyone who has EVER been a surrogate... you've paved the way for the rest of us, and I look up to and admire you all.  You are true miracle workers, and I hope and pray that my IP's will handle everything as well as yours seem to have!

Cathleen

14 week pictures!

I apologize again for the incorrect date lol  My camera jumps alllll over the place allll the time.  Stupid thing. 

Will try to fix it for the next pictures though!

Cathleen <3

Second OBS Appointment

Okay... so today hasn't been the best so far lol

I left here by cab to go up to the hospital for the appointment.  Got there 45 minutes late first of all lol  Then registration was a NIGHTMARE!  Waited over a half hour to be registered, even though I was only 16 numbers away... everyone was so slow, didn't have their information... didn't know what doctor they were going to see etc. 

To start with, I forgot my camera in the back seat of the cab I was in [cab #4, I'm glad I remembered this as it narrowed it down a great bit and it made it easier to track down!]

Then I waited at obs for over 2 hours just to see the nurse.

Weight : 110, same as last week.
Blood Pressure : 110/50, a little low, but that's okay
Heart Rate : 120 at rest... not exactly great... but at least it hasn't really gone UP
Review of progress in Pregnancy : 13 weeks and 6 days

Then I waited another hour to see the doctor.  In the mean time, I bought an orange juice and chicken salad sandwich as I was nearly falling asleep and needed to at least go for a walk before I fell asleep sitting up!  The OBS was also cramped today, so everything went sooo slooowww.

FINALLY go in to see the doctor, he reviewed my chart, 12 lbs gained, hoping to see at least a couple lbs being put on at the next appointment. 

Checked cervix, as it is common with multiples to have problems early on, and wanted to see if we would have any soon... cervix is still very closed and hard and long - perfect!

Uterus was just above my belly button after I peed, he said about where it would at 21-22 weeks with a singleton, so we're growing great. haha.  So next was to check the heart beats, which is always my favorite part... but I was a little tense today as sometimes when you miscarry before 12 weeks, the body simply reabsorbs the baby, and you have to signs or symptoms of a miscarriage.  This is especially true for twins and triplets, and it can be very devastating!

I haven't really gotten my hopes up to make it past the second trimester with both babies ... I wanted to be sure of myself and wait until I HEARD them both. 

The doctor started at the top of the uterus and for awhile I held my breath.  Were they both okay?  Why couldn't he find them if I was growing so fast?  Could something have happened? Were there symptoms I passed up as normal... but weren't?  Those 3 minutes felt like an eternity.

He picked my heart beat up... which is fast anyway, about 120... but with the stress and anticipation, it was up to 132 lol  At first he thought it was a baby, but then I reassured him that it was only my heart rate escalating at the tension.

It didn't help that I couldn't even record it, and even though we had all expected to be skyping this moment, the hospital's internet was down for the day due to construction being done.  I was intensely sad, and I was a bit mad at myself for forgetting such a valuable part of the day in the backseat of a cab.  I felt as though it was definitely my fault, and that I should have had it... I was so mad at myself.  All of this ran through my mind as I thought of the worst case scenerio... something has happened to these babies... and I was thinking about my camera?!  I was now on the verge of crying.

And then... something unexpected happened.  He found a heart beat!!  170 and strong!  It sang out to me and I sighed with relief... at least one baby made it.  I asked him if he could find both, but he said it could take until 16-20 weeks to find both since they're still small [about 3.5 inches each and weighing just over an ounce] and move around, and usually, one tends to grow on top of the other.  I kind of worried then, and wondered when we would know if the other one survived.

We knew so far that Baby B was alive and strong!  He/She even kicked the doppler and the doctor was kind of taken by surprise, but I wasn't. lol. 

He tilted it a bit when Baby B moved, but he caught it quickly.  Then he tilted it again to get a better sound, and he found the second one only about 2 inches over to the right!  Baby A was there!!  He/She had made it!  They were both there!  What a relief!  Baby A was at a strong 160.  At this point, I'm sure my smile was so big that it took up most of my face.  I haven't ever felt that kind of relief before!

The appointment to this point felt like a definite hour or two.. but it had only been 25 minutes.

We also went over all the symptoms I've been having on my thyroid medication [so far, increased nausea, sore joints, tiredness and headaches] and he brought up that I was definitely not my cheerful self, and he started to ask me questions about how I've been feeling... more stressed or sad lately.  I realized that I was, but just attributed it to being tired and so far behind on chores.  I've never really stressed about chores to be honest... and I realized that I have even b een crying over unfolded laundry!  There was a symptom that I had missed... depression.  This is one of the most common side effects, and he doesn't think I've reached that far yet, but they have me on close watch.  I was really grateful that he picked it up, cared enough to realize.  I was shocked... but in a way, I felt relieved that I wasn't going crazy, that being sad isn't my fault... it's the medication that is keeping me alive.

I'm not sure if anyone out there has dealt with depression during pregnancy.  I will be talking more about it at my next appointment, but now that it's been pointed out, at least I know that I have to watch myself, watch my activities and start to enjoy this pregnancy more.  He told me to go out more often [when possible] so I'm going to have to wait at least two weeks and see if I can even afford that or now.  I'm not sure how I can make some money from home... I thought about babysitting, but I think I have more than I can handle some days with my own two children.

Any suggestions are more than welcome!

I could stand on the corner with a sign and a pot for change.. but it's just tooo cold out there LOL  I can see it now "Money for poor single surrogate who has two children and attempting to bake two!" 

My IM is sending me my first maternity shirt, should be here by the end of next week, hate waiting though. It says "I love my bump" I will have to post pictures of course.  Now i need pants lol  I wore my jeans today... but I felt like I couldn't breathe all day, so won't be doing that again!

Next OBS is March 11th at 1030 am.  Won't be much to report before then, although he said if I feel like I need to be checked out before then, just to call and make an earlier appointment. He wanted to put it in two weeks, but he realized that he won't be in that day, so he put it for 3.  He said after that appointment though, he's prefer to see me every 2 weeks, which is fine.  I'll be 16w6d at my next appointment, so hoping for an ultrasound maybe, and we'll be able to tell the sexes of the babies!  How exciting is that?!  He hinted that he wanted an ultrasound soon since we have detected both heartbeats.

I'm anxious to see them again and send their parents more pictures.  It makes me a bit sad that I won't have any in utero pictures of the surrobabies... I wish I had one to put on my fridge to remember why I eat the way I eat, sleep the way I sleep and live life the way I do.  Maybe he'll print off an extra picture for me next time :)

That's all there is really, but if I left anything out, don't be shy to ask in the comments and I'll blog with all the answers.  I'm also going to do a video blog tonight on youtube, I forgot to do one for 13 weeks, and havent' received any questions.  There wasn't a whole lot to report anyway, but I will take a shot a my belly in the video, and answer questions, so I'll post a thing on my wall on facebook today [yes, it's back open... a friend of mine couldn't get a hold of me, and it worried us both to be apart haha] and wait for questions under that as comments. 

Thank you for following, and I do appreciate all the readers... it makes me feel special to be honest.  I'll give you all the link to the youtube videos, there are only two from 12 weeks so far though!

Here's the link to the 1st vlog : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y-X366cBTNY&feature=related

Here's the link to the 2nd vlog : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DzDGID-bq7A&feature=related

Follow me there too!!

Thank you everyone, and I hope that I have helped answer questions and hopefully inspired some of you to look into surrogacy, either as an Intended Parent or a Surrogate... I have some cute shirts that I am looking to buy for myself during this pregnancy, and I will post some pictures tomorrow and get some votes on them!!!

<3 Cathleen

Not That I Have An Opinion...

Everyone on the blog knows that my other half is moving out shortly.  He's been apartment shopping etc.  A friend of mine offered him a place to stay...for really cheap, just the room.  THAT I don't mind... what I mind is that this friend also have an other half... who doesn't exactly have the greatest priorities.  I have a funky feeling that his weekends off won't be spent with the kids like we had spoke about... but more like on the road, going on trips. 

This also means that I will need a sitter for the days I have appointments..an expense I don't really have in my verry tight budget right now. 

I can't work with my thyroid [which is the biggest problem] and then find a job where I can sit a lot [as I have nearly strength with these precious babies sucking my nutrients out!].  If I knew how to do taxes, it's tax season and in the next little while, many people will be looking for someone to do their taxes for cheap!  I will be learning how to knit this year, it's one of those things I started to learn, but just never followed up on.

I'm hoping maybe I can get good enough to sell some things online for next winter, everyone like home knit slippers!  I know, I have some! 

For those who popped in for an update... yes, I have an obs appointment today, actually, this morning.  We were [Josh, and children and I] supposed to ALL go up for his appointment [his are 8-9am from Monday to Friday] and then he was going to watch the kids for my appointment. Well.  change of plans, I'll be calling the obs shortly [actually, only in 40 minutes since they open at 830am, my appointment starts 15 minutes after that] to let them know we're running  behind and will be about 20 minutes late.  It's not the way I like to start my day... but if it makes life easier... why not.  Just a shame I woke the children up early for nothing now. lol   I could be SLEEPING!!! *whine, moan and complain*

Today isthe first time any of us will really hear the babies destinctively as the doppler I have isn't the greatest, and we have only heart shadows of the babies' heartbeats. 

Today is also my friend Amy's 20th birthday!  WELCOME TO THE 20's!  30 is next!  *cries*

Thought about make a big ol' breakfast this morning... but I'm just not in the mood, just too tired lol  Lexi and Gabey are just too tired for it too... Lexi is not bawling because her croc from 2 summers ago isn't fitting haha  I think we will need a nap time today....  Now having thrown herself to the floor... yep. Pushed the baby over too... yes, this may very well be a very long day! lol 

Tomorrow is 14 weeks / 3.5 months.  I have a feeling it will take what seems like forever to get there though lol

Cathleen

Closed For Business

I know some of you may have noticed something odd about my facebook page...like... it wasn't there anymore.  I've decided to shut down my page for now... and I don't know when I'll be back to be honest...due to a lot of drama in my life that I don't want shared ANYWHERE.  I am going through a realllly hard time right now, and a lot of changes will be ahead... and I will let everyone know what they are when the result is in effect.

I don' tknow what else to say right now... I've been told I have a lot wrong with me... and I guess I should work on that before I can help others or help others make life changing decisions.  Until then... I guess I won't really be around.  I'll try to update as I go, but I'm not going to be posting any personal details from now on, or the details of the pregnancy that aren't obvious.  This is because maybe I have let too many people  in, and maybe I am what I have been told I am. 

Of course, it's hard to admit to any  scrutiny... we as humans tend to try to be as perfect as possible... knowing thatit is impossible and that we will never obtain perfection.  No one likes to think of themselves as less of a person in comparison to a neighbor or friend, but sometimes it's just it's just reality.  None of us are perfect, some of us are far from perfect.  Those of us who are further from perfection need to try to look in a mirror and look at the person who is staring back... and maybe we all need to think what we can do to change ourselves to be more accepted to others?  I'm not doing well with any of this obviously... and I feel a little lost to be honest. 

When someone you truly love hurts you... it can feel like a gaping hole in your chest... not your heart... your chest.  It forces each tear out of your eyes, and it makes it hard to swallow.  It leaves your chest and lungs feeling empty... hollow... makes it hard to breathe even... hard to think... hard to sleep or even eat.  You feel like you've been hit... by something must faster and bigger than a freight train.  I don't know how else to explain how I feel right now.  I haven't spoken much about the raw emotions I've had... relationships can be warm, fuzzy and delightful.  They can be cold, hard and tough as well.  No relationship [like no person] is perfect and they [and we] all need work and it takes two people to come together and truly put 50% into it.  When one side comes up short... it can be overwhelming. 

I probaby sound crazy right now... I feel a bit crazy to be honest... I feel very lost... I'm not sure where to turn or where to run... or if I should run... but can't face it either... afraid of another assault... but worse yet... what if it could have been resolved if you faced it?  Then you live with that empty feeling again right?  It feels so deep... lungs feel heavy, heart feels like dead weight in your chest. 

I always believed that there would be a never ending love for me... that we would have children... get married... work together... when that reality doesn't happen, it can be hard.  It can be more than hard, it can be.. devastating I guess.  I have no idea where I'm going with this... and I won't pretend to.  When life gives you nothing... how do you turn around again...to start over?  Can we?  Can the paths behind us also lead us into a lighter place?  Do we want to go back... or move forward?  If we go back, are we missing the point?  If we go forward, are we missing something that was actually always there... it just had to be looked over? 

In a break up... the one left behind always hopes that they are missed... that the other person regrets it... but... that fear that they don't regret it... that they aren't even dwelling... it makes you feel stupid for wanting them back....  I haven't been anywhere but this relationship for what seems like my entire life... it's protected me, kept me sheltered from some of life's hardships.  Admittedly... it's also brought some hardships... but I don't think I would take any of them back, and I don't think that I would be happier without them.  How do you put that into words though? 

I know I started this blog hoping to have it here to educate others about surrogacy, and hopefully, pregnancy.  It has now turned into a personal blog... and for those who are disappointed... I'm sorry.  I've never felt as lost and alone as I do right now, and I know you're never "alone" when you have children... but I feel alone.  Silly isn't it?  To have wanted to feel alone for so long... and now that I have it... to feel to empty. 

I'm all over the place... but I'm still trying to sort my emotions and thoughts and to figure out what I'm going to do....

For those of you who are close to family... I envy you.  For the women out there close to their mothers... I envy you.  I have a very hard time with talking to my mother...tough love only goes so far... then it just feel cruel.  I have no idea what my daughter will say about me in 20 years... but I hope we are much closer, and that she can call me crying and know that I will comfort her before judging. 

Loneliness is not from being alone my friends... it's from not having bonds and not having others to relate to.  I'll slowly have to learn that I guess. 

How will I go to family functions, being a single mom?  What do I tell family at the next holiday when I show up alone?  These are all things that I have never had to consider.  A brick wall would have been more gentle if it had landed on top of me.  How do you sleep with that empty feeling nagging at you...and you not knowing how to fill it?  Do you just keep yourself occupied until you forget that the full feeling ever existed? 

There are so many questions... and there are never enough answers.  How can you loves someone and not say a positive thing about them... I'm not talking about how I feel about someone else.  I was told they loved me...but I have not a positive bone to live on... how is that possible.... 

I am thinking about shutting this blog down.. as it will be pretty boring for a few weeks... just me... doing this.. a lot.  I am having a hard time to be positive... although I'm sure that there are many things to be thankful for... my children are in wonderful health and are smart and beautiful. 

Hopefully I will find myself...  need to find myself.  When you've known something for so long... it's so hard to change.  Change isn't always great... but it's rarely bad from all views.  I could go on and on and rant until I ran out of words and tears... for now they seem endless.

Sorry this one wasn't much fun...I'll try to hold off for awhile. 

We were 13.5 weeks today by the way.  second trimester hasn't been much better yet... but things have to get better right?

I'm gopng to try to sleep... it's 120am.  Gabey has been sleeping since 745pm ish, so should be up any moment looking for a cheerful mommy with a bottle waiting. 

Good night everyone.

Cathleen

I'm Home To Clean!

I've been gone the last few days to try to clear my head, decide what I want...  but mostly... to get away from the mess I call an apartment.

Upon arrival ofmy house, I wasn't too keen on staying here lol  I had thought maybe I could afford to just pay someone to clean it all for me... but I can't... so I'm on a mission today to clean as much as I can.  Kitchen and living room are the biggest chores to do, and they are my goal for the next two days!  Almost done my living room, and then I need to take a break. 

I know all moms get overwhelmed with chores sometimes.  As sad as it is, I'm not sure I am overwhelmed... just... tired.  I'm tired of seeing mess.  I had an amazing few days away from home to be honest, and just living in an environment that was clean... it made my month... possibly year. 

The children aren't helping, but it's not really their job to, so I'm going to be a "bad mom" and shove them both into their high chair and exersaucer and clean like a mad woman until this room is CLEAN!  WOOHOO FOR CLEAN LIVING ROOM!  *keep cheering!! I need the encouragement!  If there are any male cheerleaders around... now's the time to come out!* lol

Seriously though.. I need a few hunky men to come in and cheer for me to get this house done LOL

*anxiously waits a few hours* - they're not coming are they?  Didn't think so... *keeps folding laundry*

Alrighty... HERE WE GO!  I hear it gets a bit easier once the children start school... that better be true, because it's what I'm counting down to lol [just kidding, I love my children and love that they are little and still admire and want to be like mommy... rather that than have a 14 year old dressing like lady gaga or britney spears!]

Have a great day everyone!  It's bright and sunny here, clear blue skies ahead and it makes me feel good!

Cathleen

The Cause And Effect Rule

For every action, there tends to be a consequence of equal or greater impact.


**EDITED AND REMOVED**

Do NOT be too shy to say it as it is in my comment box, as I have never declined a comment on my blog, whether it was good or bad.  I know that I put myself in this siutaion and I know that it is my own fault that I am sitting here completely shattered.  I have a very close friend who made sure that I knew that I am not fault free in this situation, and I love her for it, she is right.  I wanted to WARN others to NOT put themselves in this situation, make sure your expenses are covered in this line of work.

I try to speak more about myself in this blogs than others.

I had to make an exception today though, although, I won't make it obvious who I'm speaking of, and I have never spoken about this person, so that helps in keeping it anonymous.

The group that banned for and accused me of threatening to abort the babies kept a few of the people that I had added, and also, people that I knew.

One of them posted that she had told me that this would all happen [and, who could have seen this all happening, I'm sure my IP's and I didn't even have any way of knowing how things would roll out] and had warned me but I didn't listen.  I thought that was a bit immature, after the beating they had given me.  I have a few friends still in that group, so word was going to get back to me -obviously-.

Surrogacy is SUPPOSED to be a very beautiful thing, in some cases, it can be very stressful and it can be very tiring.  I don't want this to stop anyone from going into surrogacy, as I'm sure my next journey [if I can even carry again] will be just as beautiful as I had hoped, and that my IP's will be overly understanding of what has happened in this journey, as there are also unexpected things that happen in surrogacy, most good, but there has to be some give in the situation of giving life, and two families merging.

This CAN be a wonderful thing for both parties, as most surrogates get many places with the money they make.  I can change lives on both sides of the field if it is given the opportunity.  It is not always easy.  But it should have benefits for both sides.

I hope my blogs to follow are full of happiness, encouragement and good news.  I will be removing my previous blog as I don't feel as though it gives this situation any justice at all.  It has gone beyond what I had ever thought it would.

I never wanted to live with regret, and I hope that regret somehow leads to something better.  only 20w4d until I reach full term with the twins. Here is to hoping they are better and full of rainbows and love and sunshine!

13 Weeks... Wow. Second Trimester...

Well... I guess this is it!  We are 13 weeks as of today, and have successfully managed to escape the first trimester.

Yesterday I was diagnosed with pregnancy induced hyperthyroidism and am now high risk [not sure if that would now make me high high risk ... not sure how that would work] for the rest of my pregnancy.  I'm on medication 3 times a day to try to control it. ...Not a good week haha

PREVIOUS PARAGRAPHS HAVE BEEN REMOVED

With all of the problems that happen to pop up at once right now, I wanted to make a quick note about ADHD, as my other half has adult ADHD and it is not easy to live with someone who suffers from ADHD.

Having said this, I want to make a quick note about ADHD awareness.  Unless one of the parents have it, it can be preventable.  Smoking and eating unhealthy during pregnancy [drinking a lot of caffeine even] significantly raises the chance that your baby will be born with ADHD.  By cutting down your smoking to 1-2 a day even make a HUGE difference in your child's life, and cutting out high caffeine drinks [coffee, pop] or minimizing them to the best of your ability will also help.  ADD is also a big factor, and is very different from ADHD. 

Please keep all of this in mind if you are pregnant.  It will change their lives forever.  Their relationships, how they cope with situations and other people.  How well they can parent their own children.  It is 9 months of our lives that effect 80 years and future generations after that. 

Thank you everyone who reads and follows me, it means a lot.  Surrogacy isn't easy, and no one HAS to do it, but no matter how difficult the journey, all surrogates hope for a wonderful life for the children who come of it.

Cathleen

12w5d

I can't believe we start out second trimester in 2 days! 

It seems to have gone by like a freight train!  My kids are growing at the same rate as the twins seem to be, so it's always a struggle to balance mommyhood, chores, wifehood and surromode lol  The chores seem to have built up at a crazy speed over the last few weeks,and I'm cracking down on them this weekend!  I have most likely over 10 loads of laundry waiting to be folded, but at least they are clean.  I most likely have abother 5-6 loads to do and then I can start to slow down.

Looks like I'll be taking some time off from the housework [at least, in my house] from Monday to Thursday and leaving hubby at home!  A friend of mine offered to come get me and my children for a few days to get away.  It will be really nice, as I've never been out of the house for more than one night with the kids, and it may end up being something I do more often!

It will also be nice to have another mommy and for the children to be with other children.  It should be interesting to see how they both cope and see where they are at in comparison to the other children, who are a little older than mine are, but not by too much.

Also, I will be attending my first ever concert in March.  I will be 19w5d when we go see the concert, but may have to put everything on hold until I see my doctor about my sciatic nerve and to see if it's save.   Most of the information I found has said that it's more than safe until the last trimester, as the pressure could send me into labor, however, being a twin pregnancy, my doc may want to stay on the safe side and say no.  We will find out for sure on Friday!

I have been lonely going through this pregnancy on my own.  I guess that's all a part of surrogacy, and it's a part that I will have to live with.  We have only 21w2d until we are considered fullterm with the twins.  By 17 weeks, we will be half way there!  How crazy is that, in 4 weeks and 2 days we will be halfway!  It's great! haha  I'm not near tired of being pregnant yet, but it might have a lot to do with the fact that I have no preparing to do this pregnancy, so it's all about just focusing on my life and trying to find order, and no stress to have to add more!

My IP's haven't had internet in a few days, so when they finally get it back next week they will most likely have a lot to catch up on!

I wasn't sure if I would bring it up on here, but just this morning decided to.  I have been video blogging on youtube.com and my  username is Cathleen1091 if anyone wants to go check them out.  I only have two, and only started at 12 weeks, as I didn't want to start themand then something happen to the babies.  Now that I know that I have survived the first trimester though, I feel much more confident to do them. 

Feel free to ask questions for me to post on my video blogs, and I will also answer them here too.  I love to answer questions, and it makes me feel like by educating, I could be making a bigger difference. 

Hope everyone has a great weekend, and I will come back in and tell everyone how the progress is going on this house haha

Cathleen

Time To Do A Comparison!

Hey everyone! Having reached 12.5 weeks today, I thought I would compare my prepregnancy [right before I got pregnant with the twins] to a picture I took today!

Sorry the dates are off so bad lol My camera just.. sucks.

My bra size went up, as you can probably already notice, so I feel a lot bigger than I look lol 

Don't be shy to let me know what you think, or if you guys want more comparisons, I think I'll be doing another at 20 weeks of these two and the new one.

Have a great day everyone <3

Cathleen

The Days Wear On

For those of my readers who have children and are housewives, you should know that cabin fever is very real, and effects most of us.  We tend to lose contact with our friends, and we tend to have our lives revolve around housework and keeping our children out of trouble and healthy.  I have made it a goal for this week to make plans for supper or something of that sort with a friend, and just relax, and it has to be child free.  I have never thought that a twin pregnancy would be just so draining, and I guess thatès the biggest different as of yet, and it's severely exhausting. 

I'm not a single mother, but for those of us who have husbands who are workaholics, it can feel like our husbands are big children who have mastered the ability to create mess and clutter.  Anyone who is currently pregnant [for some reason, after pregnancy we tend to forget quickly], just LIVING is tiring sometimes and standing for 5 minutes to clean makes us dizzy and feel sick and weak.  My house has gotten to the point where it will take a good day or two of hard work to get it all done, and the laundry still wouldn't be all done, it can be very frustrating at times. 

Of course, I can't complain, my bills are paid and food is bought.  The chores and child rearing are my entire responsibility though, which can be a heavy load at time.  During the winter, some of us Canadian mothers feel that cabin fever settle in.  I have been told by my doctor that I can no longer push our double stroller through the slushy sidewalks, so I have not really left the house.  I went to a corner store last week I think to quickly pick up some fruit... that's it. 

My personal goals for this week include the following :
1. take a warm bath
2. schedule a supper out with a friend, no children
3. clean the living room today
4. clean the dining room tomorrow [including folding all the clean laundry
5. do some dishes today
6. try to remember to be grateful for all I have, even if sometimes my responsibilities seem overwhelming

Those are the most important anyway.  Let's see how many I can do today, and hopefully there won't be many left by Friday to do.  I will give myself until Sunday to finish though.

What does everyone do to keep motivated?  Sometimes... I feel like it's all piled up for too long and there is no hope lol 

12 weeks!

YAY!  Okay.. so... I took a billion pictures today haha  I'll share!  Sorry if you computer crashes!

Thank you for all following us on this journey, and I hope you enjoy the pics!!  hehe

Cathleen xoxo

Had To Share As I Am In Tears

Last night I became a god mother!  My best friend delivered a little girl last night, and I have been waiting since the first pregnancy test to see this little girl.  I have been poking at mommy's tummy and talking to her even when her mother thought I was a loonie toon!

Life is a wonderful thing to give, and I'm very proud of Sara for all that she has gone through to bring her second daughter into this world.  I got the call last night shortly after 9pm and after I hung up, I had to choice but to cry, I was over joyed! 

I don't know why, but it made me look at surrogacy as an angelic thing last night, as my couple will unfortunately never go through labor together as my best friend and her partner did last night, but instead, will be holding each a leg as their babies are brought into this world by someone over an ocean away from their home.  That moment will be magical, and with every follicle of my being, I can't wait!

An Update... What A Lot To Update!!

Soo... I don't remember the last time I sat down to do this, but I know this is wellll over due for.

We have installed our new computer in the house and that is what I am on, so for now on, you can expect those regular blogs again to update  you all!!  I feel so bad for having not been around the last two months, and I promise to make it up to you somehow!!

OKAY... First of all, I doubt I have my last few weeks' belly pictures up lol  I'll start with 9 weeks

9 weeks

10 weeks

11 weeks

To date, we have had our appointments as such :

January 14th - ultrasound, confirmed twins, was put at 8w6d

January 28th - first obs with our specialist who will be following us through out the pregnancy and birth

January 28th - screening for genetic defects blood test completed, first pregnancy blood test for levels completed.  7 vials total

Upcoming appointments are as follows :

February 18th - OBS and probably ultrasound with specialist

We don't know when any other ultrasounds such as the anatomy ultrasound will take place yet, nor do we know of any other appointments.

I knew I felt them at 10w1d, just wiggles.

To date, I've so far gained 9.5 lbs, which was a loss of 2.5 lbs in 2 weeks-probably due to the severe morning sickness.

First "thud" was felt February 2nd while chatting with my IF over inbox messages.

Doppler was bought February 2nd, looking into newer versions though, more accurate, with a display screen so that we don't have to count the beats per minute and a speaker rather than headset, but we are very grateful for the one we currently have.

Don't be shy to ask any questions as we go as well, possibly updates I missed, or thought weren't as important as the others!!

Thank you all for stilll being here, I love you all!!

Cathleen